Flaccid Rock

Delicate Little Flower

2009-02-28T23:15:00.004Z

I'm all alone on a Saturday, so I thought, 'How much better it would be to blog a little instead of reading the £50 worth of books I paid for my college course today'.

I've blown a fuse this week. It started last Saturday when texts started rolling in from the Lunatic, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I have told him to never contact me again, this has been through text, email and through speaking to him but it's just not getting through. As a Delicate Little Flower (i.e woman) there is no possible way I could know my own mind and therefore, as he wants what he wants and therefore he will have it, he can continue to harass me as much as he like. Not anymore, dickface. After contacting my mobile provider and being told 'Nope, sorry, we can't block certain numbers from calling you', I did the next best thing.

I called the police.

I have had enough. I should not have to live with this. I understand that he has mental problems, but to be honest, I don't give a fuck. When someone tells you repeatedly to leave them alone, you should do it. When someone's partner tells you to leave their girlfriend alone, you should do it. If you've created an elaborate love story in your head, that means you are mental and should be recieving psychiatric treatment, not be in the possession of a mobile phone. I am not a Delicate Little Flower. I do not need your love to save me. He may think that as a man, he is kindly offering me his love and I should be grateful, but that? Is complete BULLSHIT. I know my mind and I know what I want, and what I want is to be able to live my life without double checking all my locks before I go to work, just in case he decides to pop round and tie flowers to my front door. Again.

I first reported it to the police at the beginning of this week, and they have called him to warn him that what he is doing is harassment and illegal, and that should he choose to continue, he will be charged. Obviously this has not made any difference to him and his Quest For Saving The Princess (or whatever it is in Mental Land) so he has text me again. So I have reported him again. Tomorrow is the day when I pick up my new phone, hand my SIM to the police and make a statement so that proceedings will start.

I will admit, I was frightened when I made that phonecall. Is what he doing enough to warrant harassment? In my mind, yes, but to the police, in the law? Am I making a fuss out of nothing? Should I just change my number and try to forget? The answer to that is 'HELL NO!'.

If someone is doing wrong, that should change.

If someone is harassing you, that should stop.

You don't have to put up and shut up. Ladies, make some fucking NOISE!

Guess Who?

2009-02-19T15:56:00.002Z

Since I am actually at home for once, having taken the afternoon off of work to have a wisdom tooth removed, now is a pretty good time for me to sit down and pour out everything that has been going on since we last got together and had a chat. Apologies if I repeat myself, as it's been so long I don't know what I've told and what I haven't!

I'm working again now, in a proper job, a permanent piece of the furniture which is exciting and way awesome for me. I loved temping but there are only so many times you can end up out of work before you start shitting yourself about the bills. But I love my new job, I am admin and reception for a place that does pretty cool things, although some of the customers (and one particular member of staff) can be right fuckers. There's only so much abuse one girl can take, although I did get asked out today by a rather racist gentlemen with a facial tattoo and a t-shirt proclaiming 'Can't sleep, clowns will eat me'. What a catch! But we do have some great people in and I'm starting to remember names and faces, and I think I'm doing a good job. Guess we'll have to see when I have my 6th week review tomorrow (in my 7th week. Oooo kay).

I've also met a nice young man, whom I have been courting for several weeks now. We did start out as friends, but that was never going to last! We have been through some ups and downs all ready, nothing major to the outside world but there were some things that upset me but we are cool again now, and very happy. As he lives in Plymouth I have been spending nearly all of my weekends there, so have been going out a lot more and have generally been a lot happier with myself and other things, although my depression has been quite bad today.

I have finally come off the Pill. I have been taking it for two and a half years now, due to my severe acne, but over the past couple of weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking about what it's been doing to my body, and I came to the conclusion that enough is enough. It's time to take the plunge and see what will happen when I stop taking it. If my acne comes back, then fine, I will continue to take it, but if not, I think I will be much happier without it. Of course, that'll make sexy time a lot less spontaneous but fuck it, think of all the benefits for me!

Did I mention I met Rich Hall? Rich Hall the comedian? And that he TOTALLY TOUCHED MY ARM??! *swoons*

Anyway, how are you?

Alive and Kicking

2009-02-08T21:26:00.002Z

I haven't posted for so long as I had a trojan which completely shagged my laptop, but after kicking and screaming I finally have it fixed! So much has changed recently, with new jobs and boyfriends, family crap and all the other things that make up life that I'm hoping that if I ever have any free time again I can get it down.

But until that time comes, I will, once again, have to love you and leave you.

Just reminding you I'm still alive!

Christmas Catch Up

2008-12-19T23:21:00.003Z

The boy child Jack seems to be doing better. After looking at the piss poor excuse for medicine, I went the other route and began treating him with syringe feeding water, and plenty of fresh fruit. This has perked him up immensely, and he is now back to normal. The only thing is, he's still not singing but I know when he does, I will be the happiest bird mummy in all of Englandshire. I think the cat scratch the vet found was the problem, maybe he was in shock or something, and I didn't want to treat him with the same weak ass medication they give him for everything.

And Sectioned Guy? The day after I sent the text telling him to take a hike, I got a short message 'ok'. Hurrah, me thinks, he has FINALLY got the message. But no. Not this self centered little shit. Saturday, during X Factor, I recieve more messages. 'Bet you a fiver JLS wins!!' 'I'll stand by you' and other such shite. I didn't reply. Phone calls come and go, I ignore them. Then Wednesday, relaxing on my sofa after a hard day's ass kissing, he arrives at my door with a copy of the Times and a stolen reflector off of a traffic cone. A gift, he calls it. I try to drum it in to him that he is not welcome, but he keeps trying to hug me and kiss me, telling me he loves me. So what's a girl to do with a clinically insane newly turned Catholic? Why, I made him sign over his soul to me. That's right, I have it on paper that he has given me possession of his soul. He's now panicking as to what to do. Oh well, what a pity, never mind.

And of course, the Father. Magically reappearing in my life as his 50th birthday is dawning. I'm not heartless, I had bought him a card and a present and expected to hand it over yesterday, he was going for a meal with the Whore's parents and he would meet me after for a drink, which tied in nicely with my last day of college. For a reason I will divulge shortly, I didn't end up going to college and was sitting in front of the fire with my kittum when my dad called me. The Whore had arranged a surprise party, and I WASN'T INVITED. The cruel, vindictive bitch. I was in tears for most of the night, and binge ate the contents of my fridge in an attempt to cheer up. She's going to get hers, I'll fucking see to that.

But to the good news, at last! I spent most of Wednesday arse licking at an interview for a job I really wanted. The work is something I really want to do, great pay and the chance of an actual gosh darn career instead of the mediocre, mind numbing, soul killing shite I have been doing for most of this year. I was telling them everything they wanted to hear, praising their company and singing my own praise, it was one of those interviews where you walk out feeling GREAT! They called me later that evening, the standard was exceptionally high and they just couldn't choose between me and somebody else. Could I possibly come in for a trial Friday morning? Of course I could, I would be more than happy to, kissy kissy mwah mwah!! I was ecstatic. I have never been part of the excetional standard that all my rejection letters tell me there was in that application period, so I was joyous and relaxed, waiting for Friday. The next morning, my phone rang and woke me. Luckily I am one of those people who can sound bright and airy on the phone first thing, as it was the interview bloke. Could I possibly come in that afternoon instead? After a mild (yet thankfully silent) panic attack I agreed to be there in two hours. A quick shower, and some practising my smile in the mirror, I went to the trial, showed my skills, smarmed everyone in the office and I was home again, too late to go to college.

I got the call this evening. After a few questions about how I felt about the role, the job was offered to me! TO ME! ME ME ME ME ME!!!! Woo hoo!! As my dad was here picking up his card and mum had just got home from work, they were both able to witness the awesome that is my victory dance. It was pretty sweet, let me tell you. I am employed! In a job I might actually like! Yay for me!!

My Darling Boy

2008-12-13T00:45:00.000Z

My darling boy Jack. He is sick again, this time so sick I don't know what to do. Last night when I went to bed, he was lying on the floor of his cage, all puffed up and listless. I pulled his cage close to my heater and watched him closely. I couldn't bear to look at him, and so I grabbed a syringe and began drip feeding water every now and again, snuggling him up in a home made nest in my duvet cover. This began to perk him up, so I continued until 4am when he was a little better.

As soon as I woke, I was making him an appointment at the vet and the verdict? No Idea But He Is A Very Sick Bird Indeed. He has a medication, which if it takes and he begins to eat, drink and poo properly again, he will be fine. If not, it can cost up to one thousand pounds in fees for an expert.

He has been with me for 3 and half years and I don't think I would know what to do without him. Losing my beautiful Angel a few months ago tore me apart, and I miss her everyday. Lose Jack and I don't think I could cope.

My beautiful boy bird.

Why I Do This To Myself I Will Never Know

2008-12-11T22:34:00.000Z

Remember Sectioned Guy I mentioned a few entries down? Well, after ignoring many of his phone calls, which exscalated into double figures by mid afternoon, I got suitably pissed. When I next spoke to him, after shouting over him 'No, no, this is my time to talk. You WILL listen to me' I told him, as kindly as I could, that I'm not doing this. I'm not his girlfriend, never have been, and I will never feel those nice smushy things he has for me. 'Finally!' I thought 'I have got through to him that I'm just Not That Into Him'. Everything seemed cool, he stopped ringing me several times a day Just To Chat, and when he did call, it was a quick conversation. Refusing to speak to him would have made me feel guilty, and feeling guilty is not what I need right now.

But soon the calls began to escalate again. And then during a jokey moment on the phone where I suggested he marry a woman for a Green Card in America, he replied 'Oh, but you know the only woman I want to marry is you'. I withdrew, stopped answering his calls.

I have known him now for almost 3 months. During these 3 months, I have been going to college on the same days each week, each class starting at the same time and finishing at the same time. And every week he has called me, bang on the time the class is starting, then apologising as he had just plain forgot. Again.

Tonight I had had enough. I heard my phone in my bag, and brought it out sheepishly, just knowing it would be his number on the screen. Thankfully, it was a short ring, not embarassing me too much. But then he called again. And again. I snapped, flipping open my phone. 'Hello' I barked, drawing the attention of my classmates. 'I have fucking told you, over and over again, I am in college right now'. 'But I thought it started at 7.30', he whined. 'No, you stupid prick, it starts at 6 and has done every Tuesday and Thursday for the past 3 months. Fuck off' I slam the phone shut, and raise my eyes to the gaze from my classmates. A mixture of shock, anger and sheer joy was equally amongst the people now staring at me. 'I'm sorry' I say meekly, 'it's just he does it every week. I just had enough'. No one says a thing and we began our lesson.

I'm ashamed with myself for doing that in the classroom, but am furious at him for putting me in that position. I have sent him a text message saying 'I don't want you phoning me anymore, you're self centered and obviously couldn't give a shit about my life' and he hasn't text back as of yet. I don't feel guilty anymore, he has brought this on himself.

Being Ass-ertive

2008-12-06T00:03:00.000Z

There are many things in this world that I find annoying. Waking up early and going to the Jobcentre being one of those things. To get to the Jobcentre, you have to walk down a small path enclosed by buildings, and this was where I was accosted.

"Excuse me, can you tell me what you enjoy about smoking?" says one of the suits approaching me. I take my earbuds out and turn to face them, two youngish guys, around my age, wearing suits and false smiles. Exhaling, the smoke curling out of my mouth I reply "Everything really. Smoking them, rolling them, it's all good" I reply, pausing to glance at the tags around their necks. 'Friends of Jesus Christ' is written proudly on the laminated cards, and I inwardly grin with glee. "But wouldn't you like to get the buzz you get from smoking elsewhere? Is there anything else that gives you that buzz?" asks one of the suits, the other hanging back. "Well, getting drunk is also very fun, oh and sex. Both quite fun" I smile at them. Disgust flickering over their faces, I am asked if I'm currently following any religion. Oooh, goody, a conversion! My favourite game. "Yes", says I, "but not yours. I wouldn't want to join yours anyway, I find it disgusting the way you treat and oppress women". The young men say nothing, but the look is clear on their face. They don't disagree with me though. The young man begins to speak, but I cut him off. "You also used a Pagan holiday as the birth of your saviour, a birthday chosen probably on the same day men sat down and wrote the Bible. It didn't come from God, it came from men. And the Pope! A nazi . . .". The young man interjects here, slightly hurt. "But we're not Catholic" he whines. "To me, you are all the same. You used to burn women like me, for speaking out!" At this point the men begin to leave, scurrying with their tail between their legs. The man who had stood back and said nothing calls over his shoulder "We didn't burn anyone!". "Ahhh, but your people did" I smirk as I walk off.

A good day I believe.

(Side note: I have nothing against religion or religious people. But these men approached me with the intention of pushing their religion onto me, therefore I felt I had no choice but to put my side across)

100 Things

2008-12-04T13:48:00.001Z

1. I was born in Truro, Cornwall, on the 16th of June 1988.
2. I have lived in Cornwall all my life, but moved 9 times. None of these houses were outside of a 4 mile radius.
3. My mum was a raging alcoholic so I have mad skills when it comes to cleaning up vomit/pee, hiding empty bottles, covering up for people and putting people to bed.
4. She got put in a mental hospital then a dryout place.
5. I got suspended 7 times from secondary school
6. And expelled 3 times
7. Then I went to a nutter school where I learnt to play pool, drink copious amounts of alcohol and find unsuitable men.
8. I can still find the most unsuitable man in a building in about 30 seconds. What can I say? It's a gift
9. I had a brace when I was 15. Worst years of my life.
10. I love to read. Sometimes it gets to the point where I want to ask people to leave so I can finish my book.
11. Especially if I haven't read it before.
12. I once spent 5 months speaking to no one other than my dad and brother. I got so much reading done!
13. I generally don't like people. They just piss me off.
14. I have a younger brother. I like to call him Tinkerbell just to piss him off.
15. In about 10 minutes of being in someone's company, I've usually thought of about 4 sarcastic and bitchy things to say, but held my tongue.
16. And then let one slip out.
17. The sound of someone burping makes me feel sick. Especially if I do it myself.
18. I love to fart though. It's just brilliant!
19. Occasionally, I will tell people I'm busy and can't come out. I'm actually in my dressing gown, eating chocolate and watching Baywatch and I just can't be bothered to shower.
20. I find it really hard to let go of things.
21. I get teary eyed at least once a day. It's usually for no apparent reason.
22. I take notes from every conversation I have and file them away in my head for future reference.
23. Especially if it's about me.
24. Every man I have ever been with has the same complaints about me. Yet I refuse to change because I'm so stubborn.
25. My stubborness is usually one of the main complaints.
26. At least 50% of my personality is made up from songs, books, movies and tv shows.
27. The rest comes from life experience.
28. I absoloutly adore smoking, rolling my cigerettes, smoking them, and occasionally I get a little sad when I have to stub one out.
29. Sometimes I wish I had a mental illness or something, just so I could explain why I am like I am.
30. I feel the most attractive when I've just got out of the bath and am lying in bed naked.
31. Several of my exes would disagree with this.
32. Sometimes I look at Jack and think my heart is going to explode with love.
33. Other times I look at him and think 'Shut the fuck up!'
34. I believe in loving truly, madly, deeply. It gets me in trouble but it's the best way to live.
35. I think I would make a really good mother.
36. But I'm not keen on testing my theory for a couple of years yet!
37. When I'm happy or extremely pleased with myself, I like to sing.
38. Which isn't so bad when you know my mother used to crow. Cock a doodle doo!
39. But in private, if I'm reeeeaaaly pleased, my hands do this spasm shaky thing.
40. I think 80's music is the best. Music today sucks ass big time.
41. When I was a kid, I used to leave the window open for Peter Pan.
42. Occasionally, I still do.
43. I have absoloutly no clue what to do with my life.
44. I'm at college taking Law for no other reason than it came up on their website.
45. I really enjoyed the job I had but I was crap at it.
46. Sometimes I like to pull my underwear up really high and tuck my t-shirt in it.
47. And then go freak people out.
48. I still jump on my bed.
49. I cannot lie for shit. It's the worst and best thing about me.
50. I wish my hair was blonder.
51. I have severe acne which I am on medication for.
52. I couldn't live with myself if it got any worse.
53. I'm still really proud of myself for being in Miss Plymouth 2006, even though it was ages ago now.
54. I am adament I didn't win because I was really spotty.
55. I was with an abusive man for about 14 months.
56. He hit me, cheated on me, ran me over and had sex with me when I said 'No'.
57. I still hope he has a really shitty life.
58. I have a thing for Scottish men, I just find the accent really sexy.
59. I think Eastenders is a brilliant programme and don't care what you think.
60. Once I got so drunk and depressed I tried to cut my own face of with a razor blade.
61. Another time, I hitchhiked back and ended up being pulled out of a hedge by a policewoman.
62. I don't drink much anymore.
63. This is way harder than I thought it was going to be.
64. Natural Born Killers was my favourite film for ages, I thought it was what true love was meant to be like.
65. But this is coming from a girl who dressed like Tank Girl.
66. And like Alex from A Clockwork Orange.
67. I used to buy books to put on display so people would think I was really smart.
68. I've read most of them now, and really enjoyed them.
69. And as for being really smart? I am. I have an above average IQ, a few points from being a genius.
70. Whereas my Uncle is a genius.
71. When I was little, I wanted to be a mermaid or a fairy.
72. I still do.
73. I saw a fairy when I was younger, and still believe in them with all my heart.
74. Have I mentioned I'm a vegetarian? I have been since birth.
75. I use it as a licence to be really fussy about what I eat.
76. I hate it when people think I'm anorexic though.
77. I like spending all my money on fancy underwear and shoes. Both of which probably won't get worn.
78. I also have a wardrobe full of dresses that have never been worn.
79. I dance when I listen to my iPod.
80. In public.
81. I went to see a psychic once. She was really good, and told me I have the Sight.
82. I have known this since I was a little girl.
83. But I don't tell many people in case they think I'm weird.
84. I got bullied at school because people thought I was a witch.
85. My womb is backwards. Just thought I'd slip that in.
86. I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.
87. And sometimes it freaks me out when I realise I'm not 15 anymore.
88. I wish I had worked harder at school.
89. I left with only 5 GCSEs, below grade C.
90. I wish I had done better.
91. I couldn't believe it when I passed my first Law exam.
92. I cried because I couldn't believe I had achieved something. I am still very proud.
93. I once snogged and dry humped someone in a club who I wasn't sure was a boy or a girl.
94. I was very drunk.
95. Turned out to be a boy.
96. I once gave £20 to a prostitute, who hugged me with tears in her eyes.
97. I cried all the way home.
98. I once, unknowingly, had sex in a dogging site. We only figured it out when people turned up and the light flashing/door opening began.
99. I started this in 2006, it's now 2008.
100. I'm happy I've finished this!

FAIL

2008-12-03T20:52:00.000Z

After seeing the comment from Koolio, I did realise that I had slipped my job loss in under the radar, maybe I was hoping that people wouldn't notice and then I wouldn't have to talk about it, because talking about it made me feel like a bit of a loser. But I can't hide from it forever and maybe after this, I can put that issue to bed and move on.

I was in two minds about my job anyway. On one hand, I did like it. There usually stuff to do, and even if it was boring and repetitive, some days never ending, I have had jobs where you end up doing stuff for about one hour, and the rest of the day is spent trying to look busy. I also liked my colleagues most of the time, apart from when they were ranting their Daily Mail shite at me. It was close to home, easy enough to get to and the pay was ok. But on the other hand, this was not the work I wanted to be doing, no little girl dreams of growing up to be a data entry clerk, plus my bosses were a couple of sneaky ass bitches who talked down to me and made me feel like shit. Now, I don't think I'm alone in this, but I believe that even if I am 30 years younger than you but am your equal in the work place, that you treat me with respect. Just because I am younger I am not your dogsbody and being shouted at is not my favourite thing in the world. I used to be asked to get bits of paper out of the filing system. Why can you not do it yourself? You have just announced to the office you are Googling yourself so you obviously have fuck all to do, when I am drowning, not waving, under a massive pile of input.

This is the part where I should mention that I stopped taking my anti-depressants. They were cool for a while, my little black cloud was gone and most of the pain in my joints and muscles had stopped. But then I began to feel weird. It's the only word I can think of using. I felt wrong and numb, and at that point it was worse than the depression. So I alternated the meds to every other day, and then stopped them. I managed to keep the black cloud at bay, but the joint pains returned. This caused my attendance to slip, I admit that fully. Around this time, I got a phonecall from the local therapist, she could begin seeing me very soon. As I got the call at work, I excitedly mentioned this to a colleague who had been through something similar, and began seeing the therapist every other week for one afternoon. I cleared this with my manager, who half listened to me and waved me out of her office.

On the Monday, when I wrote Oops I Did It Again (further down the page, I can't be bothered to link), I had had an awful weekend where my heart was broken. I was in pieces and when I went to work on Monday, I struggled all day, crying in the toilets and then screaming into my pillow when I got home. I was having an Epic Meltdown, it was the closest I had come to cutting myself in a long time, and I envisioned myself hanging from my belt on the banister. Tuesday I was exhausted and hating myself, feeling like I wanted to die. So I called work, bit back the tears and told them that I wouldn't be coming in today. 'Fine' they say, 'take as much time as you need'. I pulled myself together, Made An Effort, and went to work on Wednesday. Mid morning I was called in to the office, where my manager and her manager were waiting. 'Why are you seeing a therapist', asks the manager's manager. 'Because I suffer from depression' quoth I. 'You may return to work now' replied my manager's manager and I went back to my desk.

Thursday, they fired me. The conversation was pretty much 'You're fired' 'Oh, ok' and I continued with my day. I couldn't tell my mother that evening, I just couldn't. I didn't want to hear how shit I was all day and night.

When I went in on Friday to work my notice, after working for a few hours, I was told to leave. Get out. Now. But I needed a timesheet so that I would be paid for the week, so waited at my desk for one to be faxed through. In this time I was asked to CLEAN by my manager whilst I waited, or to continue with working. I did neither, sitting and reading a book instead. By the time I reached reception I was in tears, I felt humiliated. People openly stopped and stared as I left the building.

And that was how I was fired.

Yay! Proof!

2008-12-03T15:55:00.000Z

Broken Hoo Haa

2008-12-01T15:45:00.000Z

I went for a couple of tests today, including the obigatory fanny examination. It was the most hideous thing I have ever been through, as the speculum scrapped against my cervix and started to pour with blood. I'm sitting with wadded up gauze in my panties waiting for it to stop.

I feel nauseous.

Guide To Success

2008-11-28T15:20:00.000Z

When being interviewed at a firm you have been to before for an interview, only for that to be cut short to due an error with the agency, remember to follow these steps for instant success*!

1. Ensure you are well prepared for your interview by freaking out about life in general and staying awake until 3am. Try and team this with an allergy attack for maximum discomfort.

2. If you succeeded with Step 1, you should now be waking up half an hour late, with one eye swollen completely shut due to the allergy attack. After peeling your eyelids apart, look in the mirror and shiek as you notice that one eye is hugely swollen and barely open, whilst the other is normal sized and bright. You should look like Quasimodo, after a bar fight. Due to the eye swelling, make up application will be hard and any eyeliner will immediately washed away due to consistant weeping.

3. Pull on the first 'smart' outfit that comes to hand, pin up your hair, brush teeth and then run out of the front door to catch the bus. Notice whilst you are putting your keys in your handbag that you have left your GUM clinic card in your bag. No time to go back, it's coming with you. Notice that you also do not have enough for your bus fare, so begin scraping change from the bottom of your bag so that you can buy a single.

4. Notice everyone at bus stop is staring at you.

5. When the bus arrives, take careful note to see that the bus driver looks at your swollen eye and gives you a look of pity. Also notice that school children are taking the piss out of you. Plug in iPod and try not to cry.

6. Arrive at destination where you have half an hour to kill, and it has begun to rain. Take refuge in the nearest supermarket and buy a bottle of juice.

7. When standing outside supermarket, smoking and drinking juice, note how the combination makes your breath smell of vomit. Try to cover smell with more juice. This is will not work however, so go back in supermarket and purchase gum. Begin walking to interview in pouring rain, which immediately soaks through trousers, ensuring discomfort when you are offered a seat in interview.

8. Spray self liberally with perfume to cover up smell of cigerettes and vomit.

9. Enter interview where you should repeat yourself whenever possible and tail off sentances with the phrase 'and things like that'. Try to make eye contact even though you can barely see out of one eye. Realise with horror that you haven't got any experience in this field, as the agency told you it was purchase ledger, when in fact, it is sales ledger. Survive interview. Go home.

*success in this instance may be defined as a post interview review of you having a lovely personality and would fit in well with the team, but someone else had more experience. Sorry.

Crazy Times

2008-11-26T18:56:00.000Z

Do you ever look at your life and wonder how you got from there to here? You see all the pieces and think about how something so strange could happen in such a short space of time. Looking back, you can see the signs and wonder just how dumb you are that you couldn't see this happening.

A couple of months ago, I posted an ad on a dating website. In this ad, I said nothing about myself, but merely asked for someone to take me out on a date. It was more a social experiment than anything, I had been reading a book by Dawn Porter and wanted to see what would happen. A few moments after it had been posted, the replies began to roll in, and still are, although I have stopped replying. I decided to be non-judgmental unless they seemed like a threat, and sent out replies. One of these men I met.

I know this is going to sound terrible, so please forgive me. I did not want to go on this date, I had been seeing someone who was very bad for me but whom I had a crush on, and I went to his house before the date. We had sex, I left and caught the train to meet this mystery man. To myself, I could smell this man on me, his scent on my skin, the red stubble rash that trailed down my neck. I felt oh so naughty and giggled all the way.

When I arrived at my destination, I crossed the bridge to where my date would meet me. I saw him before he saw me, a tall blonde man, wearing a pink shirt and shorts in the pouring rain. 'Non-judgemental', I muttered to myself as I plastered a smile on my face and went to greet him. He was pleased to see me, it seemed, and we went to his place for a quiet meal. I know this was a stupid thing to do, but me being me, I do not like eating out or even going out and this had seemed a good idea at the time.

Needless to say, I was there for a few days. Due to the location of his home, a massive country house which he shared with his rich, posh family, travel was impossible and I was stranded. We watched countless episodes of Blackadder and Life on Mars, ate junk food, whilst he smoked copious amounts of weeds. Even though I was stuck, I didn't like him. He didn't listen to me, talked for me and was generally ignorant and a show off. I wanted to go home, and finally begged the money for a taxi journey back to the train station. I was relieved when I got home.

He called me afterwards, and we chatted on MSN, and I thought that maybe, I could grow to like him. There was nothing THAT wrong with him, and he seemed kind, in his way, so maybe I should give him a chance. A few more dates, this time at my locals, but still no spark. He had hinted at tablets, meds he wasn't taking, but he seemed ok enough to me and I didn't want to pry and cause some kind of meltdown. When he called me from Plymouth, ranting about how he had fled, was going to London to become a pilot, I thought it strange, but had my own problems to deal with and thought he was gone, as he told me he would never come back. He called me a few days later, now in Cardiff, he had bought a flat and was full of plans, how his career would be taking off and this, that and the other. He told me he was coming home, one last time, and he would like to see me. I had lost my job, I was very upset and he promised to make me feel special, and to take some of the burden off my shoulders. I needed to get away from my mum, who was screaming at me about my job loss and calling me all the names under the sun. And so I went. It was a dull evening, he continued to ignore what I said and spoke for me, asking me questions and ignoring my answers, and followed me like a puppy. I went home the next day, delighted and sure I wouldn't see him again.

The phone call came last Monday. He has been sectioned. The day I left, he became manic and fell into a full blown psychosis. He fought the section and is now ensconsed in a Secure Unit. In that time, I have become a 'girlfriend'. I have his family members on my doorstep, taking me to him, and him to me. He rings me non stop, enquiring after my mental health, in between declarations of love and rants of absoloution and the Catholic Church.

I don't know what to do, I have tried my best to act 'as a friend', but feel increasingly smothered by his family. They guilt trip me for having plans other than seeing him, ask me not to go to college, turn up unannounced with him in tow for day release. How do I tell him to leave me alone, without fucking his head up even more?

How?

Oops, I Did It Again

2008-11-10T21:47:00.000Z

It's just been another one of those weekends where everything has gone wrong. I wish I could just write it all out and see if that helps, but I'm not sure who reads this anymore and words can be powerful.

I had an idea and that idea was wrong. It was built up before being knocked down.

I am now very unsure of what to do, or what choices to make. I have few options, but each are critical and to make a mistake could lead to something truly heartbreaking. To wait patiently or storm in? To keep on fighting or to take a dive?

I need a plan.

Getting My Hopes Up

2008-11-03T16:55:00.000Z

I was in tears this morning when I woke up. Having looked at the clock and realised, yes, it was time for work, tears ended rolling down my face. That's how much I hate work at the moment. I didn't mind the work at first, there seemed plenty to do, even though it was only repetitive data entry and scanning. Now my shoulder twinges when I try to lift my arm, something I do hundreds of times a day loading that fucking scanner. Last week, I was on four painkillers every day, when I usually go without no matter what pain I am in. It just doesn't stop.

And the hateful, racist bigots that I work with. Everything wrong with the world is teenagers, immigrants, foreigners, black people. The only people who escape their daily rants are bitter twisted old cows like themselves. Every day I have to hear about the benefit scum bringing the country to it's knees, immigrants everywhere, how all Muslims are terrorists etc etc. It's like the Daily Mail in audio form. It's disgusting listening to them. I have tried arguing with them, pointing out a different point of view, but they usually just shout over me and treat me like a child. I hate it.

Today, whilst doing the second most boring part of the job, I was called into the office by the top boss and I gleefully thought, 'This is it. They're going to fire me! Yippee!', but no, those bastards extended my fucking contract! I was really looking forward to leaving as soon as possible, but can't just walk out without something else lined up. Also, when trying to explain myself about the therapy and how I have told the middle management bitch who thinks she's in charge of me how I will be requiring time off (who is denying me telling her, acting like I have just been running out every other Wednesday afternoon), when top boss told me 'I wasn't making any sense.' Thanks. Confidence boost or what. I looked her dead in the eye and told her one of the reasons I was in therapy was because I can't communicate properly, hoping she got my drift (I don't vocalise how I feel, I usually beat the shit out of someone. I'm punchy).

Arghhh, I hate my shitty job!

Apologies

2008-11-02T19:30:00.000Z

I know I haven't blogged for a long time, but I have had a lot going on. For a while, I couldn't, no internet met I didn't have a chance to, and I got out of the habit. Now I have work and college, and trying to keep all that together is damn near killing me. It's always harder in the winter, I have to wait half an hour for a bus outside my work, to get to college 45 minutes early. In truth, it's a nightmare. But college is the highlight of my week, the one thing that really makes me happy and I don't want to give it up.

Work on the other hand is proving to be a nightmare. My boss doesn't like me, and tells me off day after day, for things that I haven't done. Anything that has gone wrong is my fault. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. A fight with a colleague, where she belittled me, makes me not want to go in tomorrow, but I have to. I need the money but the stress is hateful.

I've started going to therapy, I'm not sure where it is going, and I don't feel it's helping. But I'll continue and see what happens.

This was just a quicky to let you know I'm still here and am going to keep blogging when I can, I'll be round to say hi soon!

2008-08-15T23:46:00.000+01:00

I passed my Law exam!!!!!!!!

Yippee!!!

It's A Hard Knock Life!

2008-08-04T22:02:00.001+01:00

Work is taking up more of time than I realised! As soon as I get home, I can’t wait to pull on my pj bottoms and just veg in front of the tv, but have been spending a lot of time applying for jobs and planning the Big Move. I’ve decided there is nothing left for me here and have been trying to find a job out of the county, and may have found myself a room somewhere so it’s all on the up! Mother is not too happy of course; apparently I’m not allowed to leave! The only trouble is the babies, Jack and Angel, which makes it harder to find somewhere for my little family but I wouldn’t leave them for anything.

I’ve seen slightly more of my dad recently, who does his usual parenting by throwing money at me and hoping that will make up for his complete lack of interest. I’m grateful for the money, a problem with my timesheet means I won’t be getting paid for a while. Making it worse, its mother’s birthday on the Friday so that means not even a card or present unless I can borrow a little sumthin sumthin.

I’m feeling a little disjointed tonight, I’ve been in a lot of pain for sometime now and due to the meds I’m on, I can’t take painkillers as they make me terribly ill. The more pain I’m in, the lower my concentration which has lead to a few mistakes at work and almost fainting onto my keyboard. Since there’s nothing I can do to stop this, I think just continuing with my day to day routine with a better diet and more sleep is the best thing to do. No point in taking anytime off work, as rest seems to do nothing. Plus, I quite like my job and I can always take a break by taking the long way to the photocopier!

I have my laptop all set up now so I’ll be trying to make the rounds more frequently than I have been doing. Lay out the welcome mat, I’ll be round soon!

EDIT: I've just speant ages trawling the channels to see if I could find something with Gordon Ramsey in it, as I've developed a huge crush on him. This has done nothing to endear me to Virtual Boyfriend but meh. Phwoar, opening credits of the F Word! Get it off Gordon!

Hoob hoob hurray!

2008-07-23T18:15:00.000+01:00

Work has been good to me so far, with everyone pleased to see me back. I'm back in the swing of things and have been getting loads done. I've pretty much caught up on all the input all ready. It's good to have my routine back, and have been filling my spare time with some lovelies. I forgot how much I loved being single, and having my own life, own money, own time, without feeling like I'm someone's mother. And I forgot just how good sex was! What have I been missing all these years?!

I ended up sneaking out the house the other night at 2am to get drunk (amongst other things). When I came home the next morning there was a Hoob in my bag! I don't remember how she got there, but she now takes pride of place on my shelf. I've always had a thing for Hoobs, I used to stay up all night to watch them at 6am (made more sense than getting up early!) and laugh at all the sexual innuendo that children's programmes seem to be so full of these days! Or maybe that's just me and my filthy mind, who knows?

Anyway, that was just a quicky for you. I haven't been sleeping much recently, damn work for making me wake early when I want to stay out all night, so I'm off to bed to try and catch up on my sleep before the weekend. Nighty night!

Back Of The Net!

2008-07-14T15:48:00.000+01:00

I just got the most fantastic phone call ever!

Not only have I got my job back at the NHS, I'm getting paid a shitload more!

Wooo hoooooo!!!

If I Could Turn Back Time

2008-07-07T12:10:00.000+01:00

In this street, where I live, we have a yearly tradition of all getting together and having a huge barbecue. You can invite friends and family, and fill your boots with food and drink, and a good time is had by all. It's not usually my thing, I am not a fan of what you earthlings call 'socialising' so I'm more than content to stay indoors and watch Doctor Who. But this year, I decided to give it a go, and invited my friend and her boyfriend to join me, and he had just moved the area and didn't know anyone yet.

He didn't make the best of impressions. Getting very drunk, very fast he caused quite a scene, being loud and obnoxious, getting us throw out of someone's garage. He ruined our carpet, dragging mud though our house, and split drink down my beautiful Audrey Hepburn painting, which was something I truly treasured. After a brief fight with his girlfriend, overheard by all, he then went and lay in our rabbit pen, before attempting to climb our next door neighbours fence. It couldn't cope with his weight and ripped away, where he landed on me and our washing line, hurting me and bending our pole. He became aggressive with me, grabbing me, before storming away into the rainy night without any shoes on. He ended up in the local moor. In short, our neighbours won't speak to me and it was one of the most embarrassing nights of my life.

He is banned from this house.

His girlfriend cannot remember much of that night and they are still together, why, I do not know. His behaviour, and hers, was disgusting that night. I have received no apologies from him at all, nor have our neighbours had any apologies or offers for renumeration for the damage to their fence. I have let him know he will be paying for the fence and the painting, and if I do not hear anything soon I will be starting court proceeding to get all our money back, including the damage to our washing line, the paving stone he cracked when he landed on it, and for the damage caused in our house.

What a night.

18 And Still Little

2008-07-03T18:25:00.000+01:00

On Sunday, my little brother will be turning 18. He's been waiting for this day for ever and it breaks my heart that this year, we won't be able to have the lavish do I've always dreamed of being able to give him. Due to unemployment on both parts, my mother and me, we won't be able to fund the awesome party I've been planning in my head, or shower him with gifts until he drowns under mountains of DVDs and wotnot.

My bank account empty, his meagre presents piled on my bed waiting to be wrapped, I think of the things I would like to buy him. A car. A flat. Take him on a night out, show him the town, put us up in a fancy hotel. Instead of counting out pennies in card shops and praying my card goes through at HMV.

My brother. I've tried to be the best sister I could have been. I know I'm overprotective, overreacting at the mere hint of him being bullied, upset. I feel guilty for abandoning him to move out, leaving him with no choice but to follow our Father who art in Skanksville. I wanted a good job, a job with money so we could have a flat and he could be free to enjoy himself instead of being pushed and pulled in this stupid tug-o-war. But jobs don't come easy and flats aren't cheap. The most I can afford is a room and there is no way I'm living with students. I mean, Jack's at such an impressionable age.

Wonderboy, Tinkerbell, Little Brother. I've called him so many names, all in fun. When he was little, I used to dress him up in my clothes and lead him around our street. I invented games to make him smile. I slept in his bed with him, to protect him from drunken rages. His first day at secondary school, I did his tie the right way so he wouldn't be bullied.

I miss him so much.

Love you Wonderboy.

I'm Back!

2008-06-30T15:32:00.000+01:00

If this blog was a garden, it would be overrun by weeds by now, bits of wildlife making themselves comfy and cosy. I've been using my mother's laptop to try and connect to the internet but it's old and slow so this could take a while.

Due to the move, the Chubbs and I split. He claimed I wasn't making an effort to see him, whilst I was claiming the same thing. In truth, I had been thinking about breaking up with him for a while, but didn't expect it would be him who did the deed. Some crying, mixed emotions and about 6 weeks later, I'm happy in the place I am now, and can't see why I was with him as long as I was. He wasn't the perfect guy for me but I stuck it out to try and make it work, but what's the point when only one of you is willing to make the change? I've had one date since becoming single, which was nice, but I have no idea what is around the corner.

Also in my absence, I had a fantastic job working for the NHS but got the boot after 6 weeks due to office politics. The head honcho had a friend in need of a job, and so she got mine. I've put a complaint in, but I don't think it has gone anywhere. My colleague are still campaigning for me to get my job back, but frankly, I won't hold my breath.

So now, I'm single, jobless and on the 16th of June, turned 20. Happy 20th to me!

. . .

2008-04-22T10:15:00.000+01:00

I'm moving AGAIN at the moment so updates on this may be far and few inbetween. Bear with me as I try and find my feet (as well as an internet connection) and I'll be back soon!

Chickety Chicken

2008-04-11T18:31:00.000+01:00

I decided to make a list of all the things I needed to do, all the things that were stressing me out, to see if that would help. Another thing I thought would be a good idea would be to start keeping a personal journal again, which I'm really enjoying, but also finding difficult as it means being completely honest about everything (not that I lie to you, dear internet, it's just I have my secrets to keep) but I think it's helping in the long run.

Chubbs got a job today, working at the local supermarket down the road to help bring money in whilst the business finds its feet and he can start making a profit. I'm really pleased for him as I hope this will keep the parents off his back and we can start making plans. My job hunt isn't going so well, my new temp agency is proving itself to be a load of crap who barely answer the phone. I think I'm going to be calling them up again on Monday to see what, if anything, they are doing to try and help me. You would have thought they would be trying that little bit harder as they get commission for each placement. The biggest joke on the job front though is I applied for a application form a while ago for a job I thought would be interesting. I got the application form through today at 3, with an email asking for it to be returned by 5 the same day. In the end, I didn't bother. What a waste.

I used my last bit of cash to buy a revision book for my course so I now have £3.94 in my bank account, and that's all. I've got a college threatening to take me to court even though I call them all the time and tell them I have no money, shitty weird ass hair and I was days late picking up my anti-depressants because I didn't have the money to pay for it. Fuck fuck fuckety fuck.

Don't Stop Believing

2008-04-02T18:58:00.000+01:00

I haven't blogged for a while as lots of 'real life' has been going on, and I really haven't had the time for internet loveliness. We had the Chubbs family come to stay which meant a full house and a full schedule, with trips to the beach and to castles to make a fun family trip educational. I love it when they come to stay, Chubbs niece in particular who is 4 and 3/4 and the cutest, funniest girl I know. They had an Easter Egg hunt, and she would get into bed with me whilst I was 'resting' (I had a bit of a virus) and jibber jabber about whatever came into her head! Apparently, I have the patience of a saint, but I just love spending time with her.

I went for 4 job interviews in the past fortnight, and got a grand sum of fuck all out of them. I actually had 2 interviwes for the same job, yet nothing came of it. Why interview me twice then? Why waste my time? I ruined a perfectly good pair of tights for you and you didn't even give me a job? Screw you, ass hats. I have another this Friday, something to do with a recruitment agency who have promised me the world and fantastic jobs, so lets see if they can live up to their promises. I also had a phone call today, funnily enough, about a job I applied for in a recruitment agency and they appeared to like me, so lets hope something comes of that. One of the interviews I had was in a solicitors office which would have been a fantastic place to work but I've heard nothing from them and it's been a week, so I'll be taking that as a no. But good news, Chubbs has his very own interview this week for a store manager position that I think he would be fantastic for, and it would bring in the income we need to finally be able to get out of this place and living our own lives.

Half term is almost over and it may be time for me to return to college, but I don't think I will be. I'll be going in May to take my exams, but returning to my evening classes? I don't think so. I've had enough of the bullshit, the bullying I have been getting over the past few weeks, the abusive emails. I made a complaint to my tutor but apparently, she can't do a damn thing as the bully is paying for the classes and therefore, nothing can be done to stop her. I thought they had strong views on bullying, at least, that's what all the posters plastered around the place claim to say. Hypocritical wankers. Plus, the stupid college bastards are sending me letters threatening to take me to court if I don't pay for their extortionate fees (does anyone remember me saying how the course was free? How I was told it was free? Well, it's not. It's more closer to £1000 than free) when they have already taken a shitload of my money (including for exam fees which I had to pay for myself a second time to the actual company, the company is sending me letters as my membership is in arrears which the college is supposed to be paying, plus money for a course I'm NOT EVEN TAKING) so that's making the stress levels go a fair bit.

I'm still not completely better, my chest still has an infection and I can't stop coughing so I'll leave this as it is, and I hope to be popping round your blogs as soon as I can.

More Than A Feeling

2008-03-21T18:52:00.000Z

Dear Daddy's Girlfriend,

I knew you were a pikey skank from the moment I met you. In fact, I had a feeling you were before I even met you, or your brood. When my dad first moved in with you, and I lost contact with him and my brother, I had a feeling you were the one behind it all. And now I know.

I bet you didn't count on the fact that your ex husband was the brother in law of my mum's friend. It really is a small world, especially in a backwards county such as this. Now, what did you tell my nana, my father, my brother was the reason for your divorce? Oh yes, it was domestic violence. Poor little Stepford, getting beaten by her husband. But wait! That isn't right is it? It was YOU who was hitting HIM! You also had three affairs, didn't you? I don't hear you telling everyone that. You also didn't mention the fact that you like to fight in pubs, hitting anyone you think is looking at you in a funny way. Or your funny little parties you held with your husband.

I also know you were caught drink driving just a few months ago, dragging your horse box behind you. Not so whiter than white are we, my dear?

You tried to keep them from me but it's game over bitch. Never play a player, shouldn't you have learnt this by now? You may tell your little stories about me, not let my dad phone me, keep him on a very tight leash but I was here before you, and I'll be here after you've gone.

I may be outnumbered but I'm never outgunned. And I'm gunning for you.

Kisses!

Sam

Smoke Me A Kipper, I'll Be Back For Breakfast

2008-03-13T00:59:00.001Z

I've had a bad day today. I woke up hot and sweaty, with cracked lips and that queasy feeling in my stomach that once again I had slept past the midday mark. The bed was full of biscuit crumbs from the previous night when I had inhaled an entire packet of Jammy Dodgers whilst floating from my extra strong sleeping tablet. I didn't want to go to college this evening, I wanted to stay at home in the quiet comfort of my room, do some work, maybe some revisionand generally just get a few things done. Chubbs did not see it this way of course. He badgered me, ignored my answers to his questions, instead choosing to answer them for himself and telling his daddy on me. I knew that if I did not go, I would never hear the end of it from his father.

His perfect father with his perfect life, perfect house and perfect wife, got two cars, worked all his life, perfect perfect Peter.

Chubbs dressed me and I went off to college, enduring another lesson about, what? I can't even remember right now. I think it was spouse's matrimonial home rights, but that's it. We watched a video of some sorts and I made notes, lots of long, lengthy notes on cases I probably won't remember. Gillick? Was that one? Maybe. My tutor let us out early, he does so every week. I would have waited about half an hour for a lift, but my legs just kept walking. I passed the park, the bus shelter, the shop. I saw a skinhead acting up for some film students and a camera. I walked past the bingo hall, the supermarket, I leaned against a wall and watched the trains go by. I sent a text to Chubbs telling him not to pick me up. 5 missed calls, 10, 15, 20. Now calls from my father, my mother. 'Are you alright' asks the text messages. 'Where are you' asks the voices on my answerphone. I keep walking. I saw the car before it saw me, I read the number plate and knew it was Chubbs. I was collared from behind and jumped a little, but I knew it was him. He manhandles me into the waiting car, perfect Peter behind the wheel.

Perfect Peter is pissed off. He thinks I'm being 'childish', 'selfish' and other things ending with 'ish'. How dare I throw their good nature back in their faces? Do I mistake their kindness for weakness? And why can't I just snap out of it? This is their house and a happy house, and you MUST be happy to live here, we can't have mental old Sam lying about 'morosely', I mean, what WILL the neighbours think? We're friends with doctors don't you know! We have a house full of fucking antiques and a Jag in the garage! SO DON'T BE FUCKING MESSY AND DON'T BE FUCKING SAD AND DON'T EVER HAVE PROBLEMS BECAUSE WE'LL JUST TALK AND TALK AND TALK AT YOU.

Thought for the Day: I feel like a prisoner on suicide watch

I Likes Em Feisty

2008-03-06T17:24:00.000Z

I went to the hairdressers and finally got my hair done the way I like it. The blonde is gone, replaced with a gorgeous red which suits me (and my personality) more than the dull blonde it has been for many years. I needed a change and I think this one fits just right. The onl problem is that it will fade quickly, but can easily be topped up as I go about. I decided to celebrate my new hair by going shopping and bought some gorgeous underwear, and a corset. It's handmade for me using my measurements using Indian silk and is fabulous. It's mainly black with simmery irridescent purple boning. I've never had a corset that fits so well! I think I may just be in love . . .

The tablets have levelled me out now, the forgetfullness and grips of anxiety are slowly fading away, and I can feel myself emmerging. I haven't felt this happy in my own skin for a very long time. My doctor has signed me off sick so I'm using this time to relax, read books, watch movies to try and get myself to where I want to be and can feel comfortable. I'm still attending college but am behind on my work, which considering my exams are in May, I haven't really got time to hang about. I'm getting up and going to bed earlier so that I can try and use my days to do things I like and need to do, without feeling trapped or pressured. It's working out pretty good so far. I'm going to type up my notes and make some revision aids such as flowcharts and flashcards to see if I can remember things any better, but if anyone knows a good way to remember things, let me know the technique!

On my way to college on Tuesday I was going past my grandparents house when I noticed an ambulance outside. I was really freaked out and tried to call my dad and brother immediately but my brother is refusing to answer my phonecalls and my dad had his phone off again. I went and kept my nana company on the Wednesday as my grandad had been taken to hospital and she doesn't like being alone. I was there for hours! She could talk the hind leg off a donkey, I swear. But when she was telling me about when she was young and her family history, I couldn't help but find it interesting. I can actually see my nana working in her factory line when she talks. She married my grandad at 19 and travelled all over the country with him as he was in the army. She told me all about my dad when he was little, and we spoke about my aunt, her daughter, who died a few years ago and we all miss immensely. I should visit more often.

My mother is furious with my brother as he didn't come visit on Mothering Sunday, not even sending a card. Little shit that he is.

Thought for the Day: Why is being a redhead so freaking awesome?

Itchy Feet

2008-02-23T01:07:00.000Z

I have been feeling anxious a lot again lately. The tablets are supposed to make that stop, but it appears to be getting worse, although the doctor did warn me of this. In the end, I emailed work and told them that I did not feel I could return as I was not going to get better immediately and therefore they should probably find someone else. They haven't replied to the email, or tried to contact me in anyway, but when I checked my bank account I have been paid for the last days I did so I don't know what to do. I have applied for Incapacity Benefit whilst trying to recover, but won't find out more until Monday.

My feet have been itching constantly since I started staying at home. I have been forgetting nearly everything, even believing that I have been asleep when in reality I have been cleaning, reading blogs, even taking baths and remembering nothing. It's quite disconcerting and I almost cried when I realised I had lost almost an entire day. Jack has been looking after me, when he is out of his cage he likes to stay close by before flying down and having a look at me, before returning to his post by my head or feet, bless him. Unlike Angel, who has gone down the Chewing My Shoulder Until it Swells up in an Allergic Reaction route. Little minx. I still haven't caught up on my college work, I now have two weeks of back log but I either forget to do it, or can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm still going but I'm slipping behind, little by little.

Our room feels alien and dirty to me and I have spent the past few days cleaning and tidying it, trying to make it spik and span, to make it comfortable for myself. I don't know why I feel such a need to make it just so, but it's started to make me feel uncomfortable being in here, when I can see dust and dirt, piles of things not put away. I almost want to run out and sit somewhere else, but in this room is the only place I can gurantee not to be disturbed or ennunduated by stupid questions or carefully measured words.

Thought For The Day: What day is it again?

Daily Heil

2008-02-20T14:26:00.002Z

This is 'allegedly' a leaked email from a reporter at the Daily Mail:

"PUBLICATION: Daily Mail (Request for personal case study)
JOURNALIST: Diana Appleyard (staff)
DEADLINE: 14-February-2008 16:00
QUERY: I am urgently looking for anonymous horror stories of people who have employed Eastern European staff, only for them to steal from them, disappear, or have lied about their resident status. We can pay you £100 for taking part, and I promise it will be anonymous, just a quick phone call. Could you email me asap? Many thanks, Diana"

Oh noes! Teh immigrants be steelingz Britain!!1!1!! Way to incite hatred, Daily Mail. Didn't have enough scare stories this week about peadophiles and how chavs/muslims/those-funny-looking brown-people-who-would-rape-out-woman-and-steal-our-jobs-given-the-chance are ruining the country?

Here's a little song I made up on the way to the Drs, in reference to the Daily Heil:

'Oh come all ye hateful,
Ignorant middle class,
Racist and bigotist,
Pull your heads out your arse'

Thought For The Day: Why on earth do Chubbs parents read this paper?!

Mama Weer All Crazee Now

2008-02-18T15:42:00.000Z

I've been taking my delicious tablets since Wednesday now and guess what? Yep, they make me sick. Lovely. I've spent the last couple of days in bed, feeling sick and disorientated, dizzy and hot. Fantastic. I knew there was a high percentage of this happening but I didn't expect it to be this bad. I ended up having to take 3 days off work, today being my 4th and now I've been told to either return to work or be gotten rid of. Yes, that's EXACTLY what to do with a depressed person, make them feel guilty for being ill and then threaten to fire them. These people should win some sort of Humanitarian Award for Making People Feel Groovy. Bunch of asshats. I've come to an agreement with them that tomorrow I'll try and pull myself together long enough to try going back to work but if it doesn't work out, they can fetch in a replacement. And yes, they do know the exact reason I'm off so it's not like they can claim they thought I had a really bad cold or some other such bullshit.

Argh, bunch of fuckers.

It doesn't quite help that a friend of mine who also suffers from depression made a suicide attempt on Saturday morning whilst talking to me on MSN so I was up all Friday night talking to her and then worrying all Saturday about her. I almost sent her something from Interflora with a gift card saying 'Congrats on not being dead' but thought her parents would not be amused (my friend on the other hand, finds it hilarious), plus I'm skint as trousers due to the fact all my wages are being skimmed by bastard Tax Man. Looks like my dream of paying off college will have to wait. Sigh. Not that I can pay college anyway, as my tutor hasn't even sorted out my invoices yet, meaning I have no idea what I am paying.

Someone just rang the doorbell but I'm hiding in the bedroom wearing Chubbs pyjames with my hair scrapped back on top of my head. Yes, I am the sex. I am particularly fond of hiding at the moment, as it means I don't have to talk to anyone. Chubbs Dad keeps trying to give me 'advice' when he has already admitted he has no sympathy for me and bemoans the amount of 'stress' I have put on him by being mental but saying that, he did cover for me this morning when work kept phoning and phoning and I was hiding under the covers, refusing to talk to them.

Thought For The Day: Do I really need to get changed or should I just wear my pyjames to college?

Severely Depressed? Super!

2008-02-13T21:04:00.001Z

I'm sorry I have neglected you so long, my poor darling blog but of course, I have been busy. With what, I hear you cry? Your two evenings a week at college? Watching Eastenders? No, my dear blogosphere, it's just slightly more interesting than that. I have a job! When I say job, I mean beyatch for a local council which consists of 8 hours ferrying files back and forth, 5 days a week. Don't go falling off your chair in excitement just yet, there's more. I also get to ferry bits of paper back and forth as well! And all this to get taxed a quarter of my pitance of a wage, it's all so exciting! *sighs*

And the joyous folk I get to spend my day with. The young apprentice who never has any work to do so makes her own fun messing my things up and leaving files scattered on the floor. The 'big-boned' gal who looks down on me and has started shaking her ass and tits whenever I walk in the room, wearing less and less each day. The two women who's jobs I'm covering who take all their problems out on me, because they're behind on their new project. And of course, the deaf woman (if you had been nicer to me, I might have pointed out I know sign language and then you wouldn't have to struggle to talk to me) who likes to give orders and then follow you, just to make sure you're doing it right (I'm pulling files from a shelf, ooooo complicated). My personal favourite is the woman who buys cooked chickens from Asda that smell like cat food and eats them at her desk, in between bitching at people and telling everyone a member of her family was nearly on Britains Got Talent. Oh lovely people, won't you be my friends?

But I have applied for a job as a junior at a solicitors office, so I'm hoping something, anything, will come of it.

The title of this post refers to me, my mentalness, my brain. After years of slight highs and manic lows, of trying to remove my own face with a razor blade and cutting myself severely, I went to the doctor and spilled the beans. I am depressed. I hate everything, I constantly feel sick, anxious, I cry all the time, at home, at work and now, they will fix me. They have given me tablets and a book, and may even arrange therapy. All I can do is breathe a sigh of relief and say 'Thank fuck for that'. I knew it wasn't normal to be that bad all the time. All the times I have wanted help and have been told by so called friends and family 'oh, you don't need it' and have followed their advice, bastards! I could dance with joy, for the first time in a long while I can say, things will get better!

RIP Heath Ledger

2008-01-23T11:28:00.000Z

Heath Ledger was found dead last night in his apartment. He leaves behind a two year old daughter. He was a great actor with genuine talent.

SHAME ON YOU, THE GHOULS AT BBC NEWS AND SKY NEWS.

The man deserves dignity and his family deserves respects. How dare you show pictures and footage of his body being removed from his home? Disgraceful.

Same Shit, Different Year

2008-01-16T15:36:00.000Z

When I used to write New Years Resoloutions, I would usually have a long list of all the things I wouldn't do that year. Go out with fuckwits, oops, broken that by January 2nd; quit smoking, maybe just one more cigerette before I stop. The usual rubbish. So this year, I thought I's make some positive ones. Open a savings account. Pass my theory test. Do well in my exams. Things like that. I'm hoping I can stick to these, as I really need to get my ass in gear!

I've started going to college in the evenings now, going full time was really beginning to make me ill. I would end up exhausted and crippled with pain, barely even able to walk round the house. The evenings are much better anyway, I like the different method in which the subject is taught, and with more people, means more discussions and I can understand it better. I'm supposed to fill out an exam enrolment form so I can take my exams in May, but the thieving fuckers want £219 for them, something I can't afford at the moment. I have until the end of the month to send the form in so hopefully I'll have something sorted out by then.

Chubbs' Dad is in hospital at the moment, awaiting open heart surgery so everyone here is a little on edge. It's a safe procedure, excellent surgeons and whatnot but everyone is so afraid of the dreaded MRSA bug getting in there that everyone is being a little bit morbid. I sort of understand why Chubbs and his mum are getting a bit mumphy, but as I see it, he's going to be fine, what's the big deal? Which reminds me, my mum has cancer cells. I've just been calling it fanny cancer but the correct term is cervical cancer. She's now convinced she's going to die this year and so is leaving us with the lasting memory of her being a bitch. If she died tomorrow, the last thing she would have said to me is how I'm a failure. Cheers ma!

2008, Here We Go

2008-01-08T13:05:00.000Z

The end of 2007 was wonderful, but the bits before and after? Meh. Christmas ended up with screaming and swearing as I chased my father and his bit out of my house fter he arrived 8 hours late Christmas Day, ignored me when he arrived, not speaking to me for the hour and a half he was there and generally being a nob. But we did get Guitar Hero! My present from Chubbs was a signed Timmy Mallet mallet (Pinky Punky for those in the know) as I love the little fella and my gifts to him were a couple on books on how to survive robot/zombie uprisings and a pot of jam made from Lebonese rose petals, yum yum! My mum was not here for Christmas, deciding that her vanity was more important and fucked off up country for a chemical face peel. Nice!

New Year was spent in Verbier, Switzerland with Chubbs and his family, involving gifts, nice meals and good company. Oh, and wine. Lots and lots of wine. We played games and took walks, pretended to understand French, went shopping and skiing. I say skiing, mine was more falling down the mountain, getting rescued by mountain rescue and then ending up on crutches. Pictures available upon request.

But, le Chubbs, he proposed! On New Years Eve! Yippee!

I Was Tagged And I Never Even Noticed :)

2007-12-07T22:52:00.000Z

The rules: Each player lists 8 random facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

I was tagged by Ropi

1. I will happily sit around in the same clothes for 3 days running, smelling all B-O-ey but if my hair even feels the slightest bit dirty I will freak out and feel uncomfortable, like I want to peel off my own skin, until I wash it. I can't go out unless I wash my hair first. I have been late so many times because of this but I don't care.

2. I really do love the smell of my armpits. I think it is awesome and epic. I like to give them a big sniff in public and also offer other people to sniff them (ok, this mainly applies to Chubbs but when I used to have a younger brother, I would do it to him all the time). My theory for this is that I can't walk down a street without seeing a man re-arranging his bits, so therefore, I should sniff my armpits or rearrange my nipples without prejudice.

3. I realise that most people now think I'm proberly really disgusting from the two things mentioned above. And that I can't spell the word proberbly, proberly, whatever. I really like words though. I become almost obsessed with some. I really like words with lots of vowels, they are my favourite. Especially words like 'beautiful' and 'fabulous'. Not because of what they mean, just because I love vowels. And that's sad.

4. I hate all mobile phone noises. I almost always have my phone on silent because the beeping and shrilling it makes pisses me off. I know people get pissed off with me for never answering my phone, but that's because I can never hear it. And that's how I like it.

5. If I get left on my own for long periods of time, if I have the house to myself, I turn into some crazed Martha Stuart. I clean and tidy up, making everything perfect, doing all the housework and turning it into some superspeed game. I write epic law essays and make homemade pasta sauce, bake perfect cookies and think about recipes. When people are here, I am a lazy slob. No idea why. I also like to clean around 3am. It's when I do my best thinking.

6. I think all the time. I never stop. I think about poetry, Jack, hamsters, what I would look like if I dyed my hair black, if it's possible to shave pubic hair into a heart and whether Chubbs would like it, books. I re-run entire movies in my head when I get bored. I have first, second and third thoughts (Terry Pratchett fans should get that one). It's noisy in my head.

7. I also sing all the time. What I sing depends on how I feel. I sing at home, at college and a couple of times, in my sleep. Current songs this week are 'I Love The Nightlife' 'I'll Be There For You (Friends Theme)' and 'Santa Baby'. Beyonce can kiss it cause when it comes to wailing, I got her beat.

8. I have really long nails. I think short nails or bitten nails are unladylike and look disgusting. I think long vampy nails are the way to go and have done for years. I honestly believe with fabulous nails, hair, skin and eyebrows, any girl can look gorgeous. Regardless of shape, size, dress sense whatever. Take care of the little things and you're a superstar babe.

And that's my 8 things. It took bloody ages!

ANOTHER EDIT: I just realised I never tagged anyone to continue this little game. So who will be the next legion of people to admit they love armpit stank or hum whilst they pee? I think Dan has to have a go, seeing how he left us for so long *sob*, Attila as she's pretty awesome, honkeie2 to drag him away from his school work, Lola for the pure thrill of what she's gonna come out with, Pissy the hottest babe in all of Hell, BV because whatever she writes is golden, Casdok who is an awesome mum, and Big Ben, cause I said so. So, tag guys, you're it!

EDIT: This bits important. My mum called me up last Wednesday and made me go to her place as the Father was going to be there and she thought we should have a chat, clear the air. Shame it didn't go to plan. I aired all my grievences, mainly turning the air blue, exposing his lady friends plan to cut me out of his birthday, exactly what the golden child Jailbait is like in the Real World, and all matter of other things. I sent him back to Stepford, head spinning.

Shame it did fuck all good. I haven't heard from him since.

I am happy for him to have a girlfriend. He could have hundreds for all I care. I don't think she's trying to replace my mum or steal my dad or whatever reasons most 'step' kids are jealous. I just want him to remember me once in a while. Have time for me. But since that's never gonna happen, I think we should just call the whole deal off. Don't call, don't write, just give me my money and my car, and we'll cut all ties. Fabulous.

Forward This To 10 of Your Friends!!!!

2007-12-07T20:51:00.000Z

I have a cold so I'm not very happy anyway. Mostly I'm just tired and snotty, and of course, pissed off that I've had more time off college for yet another shitty illness.

I was just in the kitchen, putting away my dinner dish and what-not, when a piece of paper on the counter caught my eye. I happen to be an extremely nosy person and will pretty much read anything. In fact, I feel slightly denied when I don't. It was an email print out, detailing the latest 'scam' and how to avoid it. Apparently, someone calls pretending to be from Visa and blah blah blah.

What gets me is that a normal, intelligent human being READ this email and instead of saying 'Well, duuuuuuuuuuuh' and sending it straight to the recycle bin where it belongs, but actually forwarded it on! And then, when recieved by Chubbs' parents, yet again, normal rational people, THEY PRINT IT OUT! Why? As if this is the scam that would be the one to get you to hand over your card details.

I remember when Chubbs' mum got a similar email, but this was along the veins of 'If you get mugged at a cashpoint, all you need to do is type in your PIN backwards and the Police will be called. To register for this scheme dial 0800 BULLSHIT NUMBER OF ACTUAL PIN NUMBER STEALING PEOPLE'. As this email had come from a trusted source, i.e her sister, she trusted it implicitly and not only forwarded it on to everyone in her address book, but even went as far to call those without email to inform them! That was, until Chubbs' dad stepped in and stopped her.

I know most people who read this will have the common sense to delete these crap scambuster emails, but to those who don't, those people who actually forwarded them on. Don't. Stop and think about it for a minute. Try Snopes if for some inane reason you think it might have the slightest grain of truth. But don't forward it on. Because it's going to end up in someone's inbox who does believe in it, and it ain't helpful.

And my personal Scam Buster? When someone rings for your credit card details, there are some magic words to say. Everyone listening? Good. Those words are FUCK OFF YA SCAMMING TWAT!

This has been a Public Service Announcement of Flaccid Rock.

Needles = Big No No

2007-11-26T16:30:00.000Z

I didn't have the blood test done. Chubbs had to drag me from my bed the morning of the appointment whilst I begged and cried for him to cancel it. I ended up in the Doctors office with my iPod buds firmly rammed into my ears and sniffling quietly. I had the appointment with the nurse, who managed to get the tourniqette (sp?) on my arm, but that was all. I was tearing up pretty badly and in the end just left as I couldn't bear the thought of that big ass needle going into my tiny delicate girl elbow. Fuck you Doctors office, you blood stealing bitches. You're only going to sell it anyway. Fnah.

I haven't been to college in a while, the last time I went was last Tuesday. Surprise, Maths exam! What? I was told a test, dammit, a test. Tests are different to exams. Exams require photograph I.D, special rooms and oh yeah, actually knowing something about Math. I scrapped a pass by getting 20 out of 40. Surprisingly good considering Maths Bitch never taught us a damn thing, last lesson we had she handed round a book of sex positions and have a giggle at some of the photos with Jailbait (the new and improved nickname of Stepfords daughter, seeing as how her bf is in prison for rape) and her equally chavtastic mates.

I know I should go to college but I can't, not now. I don't want to talk to people, be near people, I just want to be on my own. I hate the fact I have to wake up at 6am just so that I can be there for 9am. Thanks Train Company, you asshats. It's a 4 mile journey and I have to leave the house at 7.30am in the morning to catch your train? Kiss my ass. Bus Company is no better, last time I tried to catch one of it's buses, the stupid thing never showed up. And where do I have to catch it from? Oh yeah, the same stupid train station I have to walk to in the morning. Great planning Cornwall. You suck butt. I almost put my knee out the last time I walked to college, now that shit was painful. Walking is painful. Moving, that shit is painful. Sitting down right now, and guess what? My hips hurt so bad I wanna punch someone in the neck.

Hopefully Stepford (Daddy's girlyfriend for those who have forgotten). Yeah, right now I could do with chucking that bitch on a bonfire and burning her like the witch she is. It's my Dad's birthday on the 18th of December and Stepford has planned a nice big surprise party with all the trimmings. And who wasn't invited? Me! His daughter, first born child, superior offspring etc etc. I had to find out some other way. Does anyone else think that is right? Cause I sure as hell don't. I think that's downright sneaky and a massive snub. She sure as hell won't be on my Christmas list but she may have just added herself to my Shit In A Shoebox and Send It To Her list (Trademarked Sharon Osbourne).

I cannot wait for Christmas though! I have a list as long as your arm with what I want but I don't think Santa will be popping down our Chimney anytime soon, especially due to the fact that Chubbs Momma recently set fire to the mantlepiece with a candle (oh yes she did). That woman is comedy gold, I swear. Ricky Gervais should pop round for some material and then he wouldn't have to use those tired old jokes anymore. Mother Dearest isn't around for Christmas this year though, she is staying with Favourite Aunt so she can have a chemical face peel on the sly. I love you Mum, you vain old treasure! My mum is THE most awesome person I know, she has jumped out of an aeroplane with a glorified bit of nylon attached, kicked alcoholisms ass, has a bumblebee tattoo and a mouth like an old jakey sailor. Although she has lost the plot recently, shouting and screaming about all the worlds injustices whilst informing me that she wrote me a suicide note 3 weeks ago. Ummm, thanks? Why did you not just call me when you were suicidal instead of letting it go on this long? She is a grade A nutter.

SHAMELESS PLUG

But are YOU looking for an original yet eco friendly Christmas present for your loved ones? Why not check out www.eco2you.co.uk ? There is a large and wonderful selection to choose from, ensuring you make a unique and informed choice this Christmas. If you would like to make a purchase but live outside the UK, send an email to info@eco2you.co.uk

SHAMELESS PLUG ENDED

Thank you and good night!

You Wanna Do What?!

2007-11-12T13:26:00.000Z

Have you ever had something really crappy happen to you but don't blog about it in fear that the person who has wronged or upset you may just come upon your blog and read your rantings? That's how I feel right now. I want to rant and rave and get my side of the story out there, both sides in fact, so that I can have some unbiased perspective. But that may ruin what can be salvaged. Not that I particularly want to salvage anything, but I just don't want bitchings and school type bullying to infringe on day to day life. I just want things FIXED. Is that too much to ask? Chubbs thinks that I hold everyone to my standards, and as they are so high, many people don't measure up, and I can get mad. But doesn't everyone? Is it so wrong of me to want people to behave honestly? For people to help other people? Apparently so.

My mum thinks people are jealous of me. But, as she's my mum, she would. She said to me 'If you went out in scruffy jeans and pumps, you wouldn't have this problem'. Ha! So she thinks that all my problems escalate from the fact I always wear high heels and make up. I don't wear slutty clothes, nearly all of me is covered at all times. I don't have my tits hanging out, never wear a skirt that is higher than my knee and you can never see my underwear. She also told me that I need to learn some diplomacy. That if someone bothers me, then I should just ignore them. So if someone upsets me, calls me names or whatever, I shouldn't say to them 'Hey, I don't appreciate that', I should let them get away with it? Well excuse me if I don't take advice from an unemployed 43 year old with no friends and no partner in sight.

My aunt thinks I am repressing anger. Apparently I am an angry person. Which is strange because I don't feel angry very often. I can feel upset or come across as angry when in reality, mostly I just couldn't give a fuck. Generally I just pootle on with things and work hard, play hard and sleep lots so I don't get this whole picture painted of me by other people.

My maths teacher thinks I am hostile. Now this one I can explain. I don't like people. I have days when I can quite happily sit and chat for hours, meet new people, have a laugh and a joke, but most of the time, I just want to be left alone. I'm tired. My body aches. I feel sick. And if by crossing my arms and looking pissed off means most people leave me alone, that makes me happy.

Which leads me to the fact I went to the doctors today. The background is I am pretty much always in pain. My muscles ache, walking a short distance leave me exhausted, my joints hurt so much. Some days I can't even get out of bed. I constantly feel sick, I have near blackouts every day, I drop everything. No pain killers on this Earth help me. I have been diagnosed with viruses every time I have been to the Doctors but no virus lasts years. So now they think it's arthritis, stress, whatever. I need a blood test. Joy. No needle has touched me for the last God knows how many years. I am missing so many jabs I probably shouldn't be allowed to leave the country. I headbutted a nurse because she tried to inject me. But I want this fixed. What the fuck am I gonna do?

EDIT: My definition of playing hard usually involves reading in bed or watching Eastenders. Yeah dude, party on!

Holiday!

2007-11-07T13:56:00.000Z

Another day sat on the sofa in le Chubbs conservatory with little or no motivation to do anything. Today's list of Shit I Must do includes writing more product descriptions for the Chubbs website, which is now up and running (take a look www.eco2you.co.uk), proof reading the site (a few mistakes got away from Chubbs due to his dyslexia), oh, and me finally getting around to taking a bath I should have taken a while ago.

It was half term last week and I chose to spend this up in Cirencester with my aunt and her two boys. I have a fear of trains and the 4 hour Virgin train packed to the gills did not make this travelling experience better. Nor was it bettered when some asshat pulled the emergency chord for shits and giggles, ensuring the entire train got a lovely view of the countryside for quite some time whilst the idiot was found and berated. And hopefully fined a large amount of his Stella/tracksuit fund.

I got to spend the week shopping and drinking in one of the nicest places in the country. I am now resolved to moving there as soon as the funds become available. I'm planning on making the move next summer, if possible. The only snag is that the college up there is not teaching my course in the same way as down here, which means that I would have to wait another year before continuing. So, Chubbs and I are now looking at maybe moving to Exeter for a year, where I have contacted the college to see how they are rolling out the course.

Leaving here, only for a week, made me realise that this truly is a crappy place to live. No money, no jobs, no normal people. Everywhere you look, people have a label. Goth. Chav. Emo. Schemie. Slapper. I saw 2 chavs whilst I was away. 2. I get my weekly job email through, and yet again, there is a tiny amount of jobs. With crap pay. How am I supposed to find somewhere to live when we have one of the worst wage amounts in the country, and yet, extraordinarily high house prices because apparently 'Cornwall is a nice place to live'. I want to live somewhere near family I like, near people, near jobs, near money. I'm sick of living in the arse end of no where.

So Chubbs and I are going to be working hard and saving hard so we can get the hell out of Dodge!

I'm having trouble with people close to me again. I haven't spoken to my dad or brother in a very long time. I didn't see the point in talking to my father as he never took any interest in me whilst I was living with him, and he wasn't bothered when I left. He doesn't answer my phone calls or text messages, and seems to be living in his own little world. So I kinda left him to it. Yet my brother, he was the same. But it seems he's lonely and feeling like an outsider in his 'new' family. So I'm trying to get back in contact with him, but it's proving hard to do. The mother has also lost the plot, gone round the twist etc etc. Last time I went to visit she has blacked out the windows and was planning on buying a new car, which she can ill afford. Plus the fact she hasn't even got a driving licence was what swung it for me. She seems unhappy and depressed, and she is trying to fill the void with yet more material crap. Conservatories, kitchens, cars. She cannot afford this! She is about to lose her job! And of course, the big one. Someone at college is just being such a cunt at the moment, I don't know what to do. I just don't understand what their problem is.

But I can't babysit them anymore. I can't. I need time for me, time to plan my escape into the world and I can't get hung up on everyone else's problems. It's not fair or right.

Things to Do

2007-10-26T20:47:00.000+01:00

Oh bloggy friends, I feel so guilty for leaving this blog languishing as I run ragged around all the things that need doing. I have decided to put more effort into reading blogs instead of writing them (I am currently copywriting on the side so writing in a blog seems a little like work at the moment). I'll keep on trying to update here, but for now, I guess I'll have to come to you!

BRB

2007-10-15T00:27:00.000+01:00

My apologies for leaving you for so long and more apologies for not being back for long. I have been having quite a lot of problems recently, all of which I am trying to deal with. Hence, not much time for tinternet and friends! I will be back shortly, but until then, here's what I'm dealing with:

Dad and Little Brother have picked up and moved into Stepford's house (Dad's gf). Without telling me.
Stepford's daughter takes Maths and IT with me at college.
College demanding £290 for exam fees. Within 15 days. Which, after much heartache, I paid using my savings fund, which was meant for a flat deposit.
College now saying I need to give them £1200 for the course which I was assured was free. Which it isn't.
Not able to get funding for college as Chubb's parents too rich.
Horrible posh wedding in 2 weeks.
Lovely new friend has hideous abusive boyfriend.
Crappy virius which had me laid low for two weeks
Chubbs' parents not believing I was ill and being horrible about it.

Discuss Among Yourselves

2007-09-24T01:47:00.000+01:00

I have quite a few beliefs. In general, about life, love, the universe. That spiders are in fact demons from the mouth of Hell, sent to terrorise and destroy. That all girls have kissed another girl at least once. I have decided to try and dedicate the next couple of blog entries about a few of my beliefs, in an attempt to get out of my blogging rut and writing about mundane events that in truth, no one really likes reading about.

I have come to the decision that this first entry will be about my beliefs when it comes to sex, doing the nasty, the horizontal bop, doing it, shagging, fucking. Call it what you please, it still plays a massive part in peoples lives. Am I doing it enough? Not enough? Am I good at it? Have I slept with too many people? Should I have waited until I was married? I should note, these are not my questions. I am quite happy with my answers to all of these. Yes, no, damn skippy, not at all, nope.

My main belief is that when it comes down to it all, how your first time came about plays a massive role in your future relationships and how you think about and deal with sexy time. My first time was a very concious decision. The night before I had been propositioned and the next day, I took this person up on his offer. Of course there was an attraction but it was more a business transaction. He got my virginity, I got liberated. And that was that. And believe me, I took to it like a fish to water. It was a bit like pringles, I had popped and now I couldn't stop. I lost my viginity 8 days before my 15th birthday and I am now 19. In that time I have had 14 partners, ranging from long term relationships, to one night stands, willingly and unwillingly. I have picked guys up from buses, nightclubs,the internet, even a supermarket. I had a lot of fun. Somewhere along the way I picked up a certain muscle disorder which now means I can find it difficult to consumate my love for El Chubbs (I blame M. Asshat) but had no STDs or unwanted babies. Some people who lost the v plates in a loving relationship generally only have sex in relationships, or they can go a little wild and have one night stands like they were going out of fashion. Like I said, I really believe that how it begins denotes how it will continue.

I also believe that sex plays too big a part in some lives. That a lot of the fun you can have it removed by the overwhelming want, need, whatever to just stick it in, wiggle it about, a bit like the Hokie Cokie. What happened to the admiration of a nice piece of lingerie? Stockings, corset, heels and you want it off immediately to get to the goods? Oh no my friend, admire, enjoy, all in good time. And foreplay should be an act unto itself. Think of this as the appetiser, something to whet your appetite before the main course.

Now, my good readers, do you agree or disagree? Or would you rather I go back to talking about my hamster?

EDIT: I don't know if it has anything to do with writing this entry but last night when I went to bed I had the filthiest dream about Stephen Fry. Was it because I was writing about sex or because I have the hots for Stephen Fry? Hmmmm . . .

The English Legal System: An Introduction

2007-09-15T12:59:00.000+01:00

Nah, not really. Do you really think I would bore you with such things? I have been trying to perservere with college but it was getting harder and harder. Our lecturer seems to view us unfavourable and begins lessons when the other people are there (they tend to stay in for break and lunch. Boffins), even though we arrive early! In a lesson on Friday, I waved my arms in the air and went 'Wooooooooooo' as loudly as I could, and yet no reaction. It may have something to do with the argument I had with him last week. He is a very EU person and would love nothing more than to scrap all traces of our Britishness so that we can all become one. No more Pound Sterling, no more Queen, no more flag. I admit, I saw red. I know statistically our country is little more that a cess pit for chavs and work shy people with ego problems but it's MY country. This is the place where I was born and raised. Here is Cornwall, I cannot speak Cornish language, call myself Cornish or have any say in what affects my county. We are attached to England by a tiny strip of land, we are in fact practically an island. And now people want me to forgo my right to call myself English? British? Fuck off with yourselves. People may not agree but I have pride in my Queen and country. People forget what the Queen does for us. She is diplomatic, repairing relations that have been torn apart by foolhardy polititions. She is a symbol of this country and you want her gone so you don't have to change your money when you visit France? You forget, France did not even want us to join the EU! You are an asshat.

Apologies for the rant, but I am finding it hard to think of good blogging material at the moment. The last interesting thing that happened to me was when I went to kareoke and saw a woman's lady garden when her skirt got pulled up. Sigh.

Town of Stoodentville, Population: Me

2007-09-08T14:56:00.000+01:00

I'm going to try and bang this out as quickly as possible so apologies in advance. I'm supposed to be catching a train in about 45 minutes and I'm no where near ready but I do feel guily about leaving my poor little blog languishing whilst I'll galavant out to the pub and whatnot.

The first week of college has been fantastic and surprise surprise, I'm actually enjoying myself. I guess I'll just have to ignore the fact that our tutor is slightly incompetent (arguing with Jen about the Parliament Act only being for monetary Bills, not true, and telling me that Chin was the most common name in the world, also not true, spring to mind) and the fact that this man can talk for England on points like the EU and why the House of Lords should be abolished, but finds it difficult to spell Mens Rea, an everyday term (the only reason I know what this word means is because of Legally Blonde. Thanks Reese Witherspoon!). I have a stack of notes that need writing up but since I'm not due to return until Tuesday, it's groovy.

I also found out that I need Work Experience in February so I have been trying to find out where would take me, but seeing as I'm the only one on our group who has ever worked (seriously!!) I'm hoping I'll find it slightly easier to find somewhere that would like an unpaid tea making skivvy for two weeks.

Work finally fired me, yes! I got sick of their bollackings and their bullying tactics so decided not to show for a few days. I got one or two answerphone messages asking for their key back but I've just not got round to calling them back yet. Silly me! I've already started looking for other places to work, I'm thinking of looking down the waitressing/barmaid route as that's more evenings and I would be happier to work those instead of my days off, which I'm saving for sunbathing and boozing. Oh, and homework of course!

We had a Murder Mystery challanege on Thursday for our tutor group, and since Monday our little group (Me, J and L) have been saying we were going to win. Losing was not an option. I can't help it, I'm competitive like that. We had to walk around town looking for clues to solve a mystery (think Cluedo on foot), pick up 10 objects and answer 20 trivia questions. We got 100%! After a rousing rendition of We Are The Champions we (un)gracefully accepted our prizes of a fluffy pen and Toblerone each. Did I mention I spent the entire Murder Mystery wearing a police hat? It was awesome, I could tell the real police who haunt our streets were jealous but like I told them 'Don't hate the playa, hate the game'.

I'll pop round your blogs soon!

Same Bat Time, Different Bat Place

2007-09-03T19:20:00.000+01:00

I suppose I better write this now or it'll never get done! I was up at 6.30am this morning getting ready for my big day. My bag was packed, books ready and I was feeling ready to throw up. College Day, whoop!

I decided to catch the train there this morning so I could arrive nice and early so I could figure out where I was meant to be, have time to get there and not feel rushed, which is what usually makes me freak out. I couldn't get near the ticket machine this morning for Emo kids in their skinny jeans and stupidly cut ass-emetric hair. Looks like it was their first day too! I slightly panicked this morning myself about what to wear, feeling slightly old and vaguely re-dick-ulous. I ended up settling on high heels, vest top and my new Victoria Beckham Rock and Republic jeans to make girlies jealous. It worked as well, when I was walking in with my iPod earbuds in I could hear a guy behind me say 'Hey, that girl's wearing Victoria Beckham jeans, don't you want some of those?' and his girlfriend replying 'Yeah, I love them but I could never afford them'. Ha ha, smoke damaged bitches! Get em nice and cheap!

Most of the day was spent filling out masses of forms and writing a short essay on why exactly we want to be what we want to be. My tutor group is all Law but some would like to become paralegals, some secretaries, some even in Retail so we have an interesting little group going on. I got talking to some people and have been making friends, something I haven't done for years! Go me. And the funniest thing is, the group is so quiet, I'm considered one of the 'loud' ones! He he he, little ole me! Some people there obviously aren't that nice but what do you expect from school kiddies? When we were doing a group activity earlier they pulled their chairs away from the table and chatted on their own about boys and boys cars and other inane shit that little chavvy girls like. My new little group (my new friends, all around my age, he he he) already have our own little clinger, a little 16 year old who says quite inappropriate things and follows us around. Ha! We're cool bitches! I know this all sounds strange to you my dear internet, but I'm really enjoying it, especially making friends so quickly and how friendly some people are.

It's still induction week for the rest of the time so this week we'll mostly be playing around with stuff and being taught the basics, like the correct way to take notes etc etc. Plenty of time to mess around then!

PS The college is right next to a pub. Yippee kay yeay mother fuckers!!!!

Checking In

2007-08-28T22:21:00.000+01:00

My favourite Aunt has come down to stay with my mum, but alas, she brings with her the devil children. My 2 cousins, both boys and both very boy-sterous. They're loud, badly behaved and a pain in the butt. But I must admit, it has been fun catching up, even if our chats are interspersed with yelling and smacking. My Aunt is a very glamourous woman who likes to earn her money as well as spend it. She has always been my favourite Aunt, even though everybody in my family is soooo two faced. Turns out my mum 'forgot' to inform her that I was expelled 3 times and suspended 7, something I revealed to my glee early today. My point is, I'm not bothered, why should my mum be? But then again, mum has always been like that, lying and hiding things from people to save face, even if the incriminating things aren't even about her.

The Hell where I worked forced me to go have yet more training on Bank Holiday Monday, much to my dismay. That dismay quickly turned to anger as I found out it would last 5 hours and at the same rate of pay they give me the rest of the time. It's a Bank Holiday! And as my Aunt was down, I obviously wanted to spend time with her, instead of listening to inane facts about some green alien who teaches small children foreign languages. They asked me to work today, but I sadly had to turn down their request as, well, I just didn't want to. Obviously this is going to put me in the shit big time but after some contemplation I really couldn't give a shit. Last time I did extra hours for them they fucked me and I missed my ride home, meaning I had to walk all the way home, in a traffic jam (no pavements) in my stilettos. It made me feel vaguely Sex and The City/The Verve -ish, until the blisters started appearing. I got home with a grand total of 4 blisters and 3 cuts on both my feet. It still hurts to wear shoes.

Next Monday is the big day, College Day. I now know exactly which books I need and where to buy them so after stopping by your blogs I'll be purchasing those. Those beautiful, beautiful people at my old temping agency got me an extra £200 even though I left that job 2 weeks early. They're classing that as 'holiday'. I love them! They're definately getting a Valentines from me! I'm a little bit out money wise as I just bought my brother a new bed because he hasn't had one since God knows when. My dad isn't exactly known for spending money on his children so I bought one for him. Being a big sister is great! I'm a little bit freaked at the prospect of college as it's quite a permanent thing, I've never had anything like that before. I'm wondering how I will cope, with the work, the lessons, the people, but if I try not to think about it, I'll be ok. Le Chubbs bought me a new school bag! It's a khaki green messenger bag by Ducti with 'Police Line Do Not Cross' stamped on the strap (click to see picture). It's not the biggest of bags but I can fit my folder in there so it's all good.

Pictures of Angel are coming soon, I've been doing so much recently that I haven't had time to switch my computer on, let alone do anything else! I miss you Bloggy people!

Sam Productions Are Proud To Present . . .

2007-08-21T00:23:00.000+01:00

The newest member of my family. The beautiful Angel, a gorgeous white-grey Russian Dwarf Hamster. She has a very flat nose and one eye bigger than the other and is absoloutly perfect. She joined our family today after being rescued from a pet shop by Chubbs as a present for me. Pictures coming soon as I'm waiting for her to lose her pet shop underfed look. Her personality is coming through, she's very inquisitive but not bitey and is a little sweety pie. Hence her name Angel. At the moment she is sleeping in her pink castle, ahhhh but she's been out, sniffing around, eating alot and generally being a precious.

Jack is hideously jealous of course, and does not like his little sister at all! He's recieving a lot of extra attention and fruit but is still sqauking at us and turning his back when we try and talk to him, the little beggar!

I started training at my new job yesterday. It's been quite tedious, with a lot of role play and learning new sytems but I'm catching on. The other trainees are very nice, two girls and a guy, but not much time for chat during the five continous hours. But I'm getting paid! I recieved my headset and electronic tag today, so I can sign in and out of the building. Being a new system, my tag was the one to have teething problems but hopefully it's fixed now. There was one girl yesterday who turned up 40 minutes late, wearing jeans, trainers and a low cut top. She swanned in without a word of apology and spent most of the session playing with her hideously tacky Playboy necklace and ignoring everyone. I'm glad she didn't come back today if I'm honest! She rang up with the words 'It wasn't wot I fort'. Daft cow.

On another note, I think I might need glasses. I do actually have some, somewhere, but stopped using them when it was harder to see with them on! I'm struggling to read small print on the computer screen and have been getting bad headaches. Looks like a trip to the cheapo supermarket opticians will be on the cards!

Because I'm Mature and Shit

2007-08-18T21:35:00.000+01:00

I still miss Rex, the little treasure. I spent the whole night crying the other night as it was raining heavily and Rex always hated getting wet. At first, it was hard to remember him alive, stick with the mental image of him stiff and lifeless, as if he was asleep with his eyes closed. My boy.

Life is changing so rapidly now, and I'm feeling very small, very young and very unable to cope. I recieved my college letter yesterday, informing me of my start date, and yet, still no book list. I hate the idea of going in blind, it's quite unnerving. It also asks for my offical bit of paper with my GCSE grade results on, which I lost years ago. I'm hoping that my dad somehow squirreled them away with all the little things he keeps on my brother and I, but I doubt it. He rarely has things of mine like that. If not, I will somehow have to obtain copies, which I don't know how, and if I don't, I can't enrol. I've tried calling my school but no one is there due to the holidays. Dammit.

I had an interview Wednesday morning for a local call centre, the people on the end of the phone when you order things off the tv and out of catalogues. I had sent them a copy of my CV and they apparently liked it. Who knew? My CV is a bog standard layout and rubbish (no lies though, as I can't even lie on paper)but they liked it enough, along with my 'professional image' and 'polite manner' to offer me the job there and then. The training begins tomorrow, and I am terrified. New people, new location, new wage, new timetable. No more fag breaks and £200 a week. Now it's smart dress and £5 an hour, weekends and evenings.

I left my job on Friday. I admit, I was sad and I will miss my boss very much as she was good to me, but there is nothing I can do. I cannot be stressed and someones dogsbody just because I like one person I work with. I'll miss the location the most, I think. There were always people to talk to on my lunch break, I could shop, sit in the park, escape for half an hour but the new office is pretty much just them, a daunting thought. I'm scared that nobody will like me, it'll just be like everywhere else. Snide comments from bitchy girls, sharp tongued bosses and the inevitable office 'joker'. Shitfuckbitch, I'm SCARED!

I bought my things today. Smart work clothes, black trousers, black skirt, the inevitable shirt. I hate the way I look in them, I feel uncomfortable, and nothing like myself. I guess that's the idea, huh? Part of me hopes that I'll grow into them, not feel like such a prat, but part of me hopes I'll always be jeans and low cut top, high heels and too much lip gloss. I like me like that. I also bought supplies for college. Pens, paper, USB key. I chose my folder with care and thought, trying to have something to reflect my Law capabilities. It's has Captain Jack Sparrow on it!

Bye Bye My Baby

2007-08-13T18:28:00.000+01:00

Dear Rex,

You were getting old, it was no secret. You ran less, you stopped climbing and you became generally a bit bumbly. But these past few days you stopped eating and drinking, refusing even when I tried to hand feed you your favourite food. This afternoon, you died in your daddy's hand as he tried to keep you warm. Me and your daddy love you very much, and will miss you so much it hurts. You were the greatest hamster I have ever
had, in all your biting glory. I love that pinging noise you made when you were swinging from your ceiling bars by your teeth and the little thump you made as you fell. You would even check around to make sure no one has seen you fall then you'd do it all over again. I love how pouncy you were, attacking everything, food, hands, ankles. I would give anything to listen to you rattle around in your wheel for hours on end again.

I miss you so much.

Love Mummy

Taken yesterday, Rex and me.

My favourite picture of Rex

He wasn't camera shy

Rex as a baby

PostSecret video

2007-08-12T19:09:00.001+01:00

This made me cry.

Just Fuck Off!!!

2007-08-11T20:57:00.000+01:00

It's been a shit week to say the least. Fucking bastard telemarketers making a complaint about me at work because I wouldn't put her through to the boss (who was in a MEETING) and then hanging up on them. I must admit, while all this was going on, I got thrills the likes of which I haven't seen since I was throwing chairs and smoking in the bathroom at school. Fuckers. My boss got pissed at me and gave me a talking to on how badly my performance has been since they didn't give me an interview. Yes, I know I'm shit and I'm not enthusiastic about what I'm doing anymore, but right now, I don't care. I'm tired. I'm tired of you, of the attitudes of the fucksocks in my office, of the hours, of the work. About 10 minutes later I found myself in a recruitment office, begging for work. I have someone wanting to interview me already.

They've hired somebody else and Big Boss wanted me to stay on for the first week they were there but Fuck That. I'm leaving as soon as I have something else, or the end of August, whatever comes first.

The Chubbs dad is in hospital at the moment. He had his adrenaline gland removed on Thursday and now he's being monitored as his heart rate is down and his blood pressure is up. It's all stress and snide comments as everyone is worried sick about him. I'm just trying to stay out the way, or smoke myself into a coma. I like the coma idea most. I've been trying to stay away from sharp objects and pills as much as possible as it's becoming just too tempting to start hacking and slashing as the ol legs and arms. Stupid bastard addiction.

But I did make fairy cakes today so that's something. And I also booked a hair appointment, something I've been meaning to do for ages as my dark roots just aren't sexy. I can't function without being blonde. I've been dying my hair since I was 12 years old and nothing makes me happier than peroxide! I want something drastic, something new, different. I want my tattoo. I want bigger boobs but unless someone wants to donate 6 grand to the fund that ain't gonna happen.

Oh, I got a new MySpace.

Open Wide

2007-08-06T23:06:00.000+01:00

Chubbs's Mummy and Daddy went away over the weekend, leaving us with some private time and a nice empty house. Most of the time I was sleeping or reading and he was working so it wasn't all naughty fun (although I finally broke out his REAL anniversary present) and we spent Saturday night eating takeaway pizza and watching Jaws 2, things that really do make me smile. Plus I got to see Bruce Willis's wang on a late night movie (Color of Night, if anyone is interested). Chubbs's Mummy on the other hand, not so great weekend. A dodgy curb in London made her eat some pavement so now her teeth are facing the wrong way and she looks like a cage fighter. Photographs have been taken and solicitors have been contacted because a mouth like that is going to take a lot of work and money to fix. I bought her some flowers on the way home which cheered her up a bit and she's been having fun breaking out the blender and making all sorts of weird and wonderful soup, as that's the only thing she can eat.

They held the interviews for my job today. Two of the four didn't even show which shows the obvious splendor of the people better than me to do my job. I took the morning off and had a lie in instead, ha ha! And when I finally went to work I still didn't do much, but my new outfit was hot. Rolling Stones t-shirt, black skinny jeans and 5 inch PVC heels (part of Chubbs's anniversary present :D). Another normal day then.

But enough chit chat. I'm being interviewed by BV over at The Cake Monster!

Rules bit first: Leave me a comment saying “Interview me.” I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you don't have a valid email address on your blog, please provide one. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

1) If you could be an animal what kind would you be and why? What do you think this says about you?

I got asked this at an interview once. I kinda laughed and didn't reply because any idiot using this technique to try and find out shit about you for a job is a wanker. But for the purposes of this, I'll say hamster as it reflects my personality. Like to sleep all day, bite people and generally be an unsociable little shit like my darling Rex.

2) What is the scariest thing you've ever experienced?

The scariest thing that has ever happened to me was walking into my mum's bedroom when I was about 9 and finding she has slit her wrist. With my scalpel. I've always been a bit of a klepto, I find things fascinating, liking the way the look, feel, make me feel and end up taking them. I took the scalpel from school. My mum had found it and tried to kill herself with it. In that situation, you just don't know what to do. The only thing I could think of was getting a cold flannel from the bathroom and putting it over her wrist whilst my dad called an ambulance. My mum and I still have the scars.

Disneylands Haunted House shit me up a bit too!

3) Where is the coolest place you've ever visited? Why?

I guess that would have to be standing on top of Table Mountain in South Africa, feeding darcys (dacys?) bananas. I was about 12 and I had never been on holiday before. We spent time travelling from Cape Town to Johannesburg, I got to see elephants, monkeys, dolphins, sharks, all in their natural habitat. It was amazing.

4) Are you more of a fan of football or the hot studs that play? Who's the hottest?

My dad is the football fan. He tried to get me into it, taking me to see Manchester United play, buying me the strip but I really couldn't give a shit. I like boxing more. Therefore, I don't know who's hot or not in football!

5) Do people in England really have bad teeth like the stereotype says?

Are all Americans fat and ignorant? When my uncle was on his honeymoon, he and his new bride went on a tour of a banana plantation. When the guide asked if anyone had any questions, some loud mouth American put up her hand and asked 'How many bananas come in a bunch?' and then didn't understand why everyone laughed. But that's just one person. Dentist bills are going through the roof, and that's if you even get to see one. Our resources are being poured away on undeserving illegals and prisoners and basically all the other cunts who don't deserve jack shit from us. We also like to smoke. We're a nation of smokers. We haven't all got bad teeth but Americans need to find something to take the piss out of us for, like calling the French cheese eating surrender monkeys or Austrailians drunk kangeroo shagging criminals. It's just jokes!

Bonus:6) We'll keep David. Would you mind taking Vicka Bitch back? Please?

We have Madonna. It's a fair trade :D

I've Got It So I'll Flaunt It

2007-08-02T20:22:00.000+01:00

Work, sleep, work, sleep, sleep at work. I'm still tired and ill. I was crying my eyes out the other night due to pain, my ribs were agonising and my back felt ruined. I hate the fact that pain seems to sneak up on me, from nothing to unreal agony in a few seconds.

I must confess, I have been keeping secrets from the internet, from you. I was waiting for finalisation, for confirmation as I know who quickly I can get my hopes up and how quickly they can be dashed to nothingness. I am now enrolled at college, taking a ILEX course in Law. I'm terrified, absoloutly terrified. I didn't go when I left school, never feeling ready to surrounded by that many people, to be put under that much pressure. But recent circumstances dictate that I need to get out of my rut. It starts around the same time as I lose my job so no worries there, I suppose, although the course is part time, allowing time for temping or a part time shop assistant job and if worse comes to worse, there's always Jobseekers.

It was the Chubbs birthday on Sunday, he has finally turned 28. This birthday was slightly different from last year as I was actually in the county for this one and I could make my ramblings in person. And the present was a lot better than last years attempt, an e-card featuring a gerbil in a gimp mask and a bottle of bubble bath stolen from a Holiday Inn in Bristol. This year Chubbs was lucky enough to recieve a personally engraved business card holder, a chilli plant and a Wii. Yes, I bought the Wii. It cost an arm and a leg but watching him regress into a small child and practically tripping over himself at 3am to set it up was alllll worth it. And it's so much fun! It was also part anniversary present, as we have been together for a year the Tuesday just gone. We made it! It was slightly ruined by a letter arriving from his crazy American ex fioncee claiming the FBI was paying a visit but that attention seeking bitch can kiss my ass cause honey, the boy is mine!

For his birthday, we went to a place called Country Skittles near Hayle, and it was amazing! We played pool, air hockey, skittles and shot some air rifles and pistols! I chose the place because I knew it was perfect for us, all fun and food with no dressing up required! For the dinner, Chubbs had a steak brought to the table and cooked it himself on a hot stone. My boy loves his food so this was a massive treat for him! Here's some pictures showing us having a good time:

This Time, No Apologies

2007-07-26T19:28:00.000+01:00

When I wrote the short sentance below I had so much in mind I wanted to tell you but now, all gone. I want to cry, but I cried enough last night, and I fought back the tears under the pretence of looking out of the window earlier.

I have been working hard for this company, slogging it out when sometimes I just wanted to fall down and scream 'No more!'. My frustrations recently have been lying with my illness, I have been tired and in pain but carried on, so I wouldn't let people down.

My job was advertised in the paper 2 weeks ago, I sat down with my boss and we worked through the application form together, scrutinising the essay and I have read the Health and Safety Policy through and through until my eyes blurred. Apparently this wasn't enough. I don't even get an interview for what is essentially my job. The job I have been doing for 6 months. My experience there doesn't even factor into this as apparently, as the Big Boss told me himself, 'I don't score enough points on their system'.

They begin interviewing my replacements soon. I will be jobless.

My boss, Boss Lady, is furious. She has screamed and yelled and kicked her feet but Big Boss will not yield. She has tried so hard for me, no one has ever done something like that for me before and I am so grateful. She has become more than my boss, she became my friend. And I worked hard for her and I know what I am doing, tomorrow my event, what I have coordinated, pulled from nothing, happens. 6 weeks of hard work, phone calls, drawing up point sheets, evaluation sheets, press releases , begging free tickets from Eden and for what? To be repaid like this? I have given them so much publicity, so much help and they have fucked me. They have taken the job they created for me, promised personally was for me and now I have nothing. Well, fuck them.

I feel sorry for my boss. Using the company's 'point system' she'll end up with a bisexual transexual paraplegic with no legs, Down's syndrome and registered blind, who can't do the job, but ticks allllllll their boxes.

Apologies

2007-07-24T22:38:00.000+01:00

I'm currently working really hard on something at work, which finally comes to fruition on Friday. Expect me back then!

Sugar Rush

2007-07-14T17:07:00.000+01:00

I've been meaning to blog recently, but due to illness, I couldn't. I ended up taking a week off work so that I could be dizzy, disorientated and throw up in peace. Well, at least in theory I could. Instead I ended up lying around unwashed and feeling guily that I wasn't at work, as the project I am working on is coming close to the end and nothing is going well. I'm short of at least 30 people, my press release is still not in the paper despite being submitted over two weeks ago and the guy I work with? Don't even get me started on his incompetence or I might just lose it.

The job I'm temping for now is now being advertised in the local paper and although it was created with me in mind, I don't want to apply anymore. In a shocking moment of realisation on Thursday, working on my own, struggling on my own, I realised I'm not actually any good at what I'm doing. I can't communicate with people, I ramble, I hate using the telephone and above all else, I'm just not all there anymore. I hate waking up in the mornings now, I cry when I realise there is 3 more days till the weekend and I spend all my time asleep when I finally get home. It exhaustes me. Which is the reason I took Friday off. After spending a night on the sofa, having spent hours just lying in bed on the new mattress topper on which I just cannot fall asleep on, I ended up having an hour or two of sleep, curled up under a dressing gown . I could barely move, I couldn't speak, I was exhausted. I ended up leaning against Chubbs, crying and drooling because I just couldn't do it anymore. But could I relax? De-stress? No. Because yet again I was worried and feeling guilty that I was letting people down.

I ended up sleeping from 8am to 6pm which didn't do anything for the pain in my neck, a lingering after effect from my illness. And then I had to clean out pet cages and move heavy boxes, sort through clothes, make up the photo album from our holiday which still hadn't been done. I ended up eating half cooked pasta in front of the television at 11pm, wondering where the hell my life had gone.

This wasn't what I wanted to write at all. I was going to tell you about Jack's trip to the vet, but I decided to take photos of what was wrong with him first. I fetched him out of his cage and placed him on the bed, whilst I searched for the camera. When I found it, it wouldn't switch on. I needed it for a few reasons as well, there are photos on there I wanted to post on here. I put it on charge whilst Chubbs fetched his dad's camera. During this, my computer had downloaded an update, which has completely fucked the screen. Chubbs took a few photos of Jack and then we fiddled with the computer until we decided the only soloution was to do a system restore. Waiting for that to complete, Jack crapped on the bed and I had a cigerette. I put Jack back in his cage and then wrote this rubbish instead. Dammit.

Oh yeah, and because I was ill, my timesheet didn't get submitted so I won't get paid this week, not that is matters because I'm only getting one day of fucking sick pay anyway! I've been trying to ease my stress with books but unfortunately Lunar Park, Sugar Rush and Peter Kay's autobiography don't seem to be working. Let's see if Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit will help.

Spice Up Your Life

2007-07-06T18:23:00.000+01:00

When I was a little kid, the Spice Girls meant the world to me. They were my best friends. I would spend hours dancing in my bedroom to their albums, making up my own dance routines, or strictly following theirs. My friends and I would play Spice Girls and I would always, always be lumbered with being Baby Spice because I was blonde, and I would always, always get pissed off because I wanted to be my favourites, Scary or Ginger.

Girl power was everything. According to the Spices, I could be anything I wanted to be! Girls were ace, brilliant and we all looked out for each other, being a girl was best! I bought their spray, their clothes, their posters, their magazines, I switched from Coke to Pepsi, from Haribo to Chuppa Chup because anything graced with their image was awesome. I saw their movie 4 times and bought the video. I saved up my pocket money to buy their books. In short, Spice Girls were my life.

When Geri left I cried and cried because I knew they wouldn't continue, that this was the beginning of the end. But I still bought their concert t-shirt (with Geri removed) and saw their concerts, live and on tv, and cried when they spilt.

It was like being abandoned. All they stood for, being friends to the end, girl power, now meant shit. The one thing I loved, all gone.

And now these imposters stand in their stead. Dominatrix Spice, Lesbo Spice, Hippy Spice, Pregnant Spice, and Chavette Spice. The girls at the top are who I love, I just don't know who you people are. Are you that skint or starved of the limelight that you're going to ruin my childhood memories? You guys suck.

But if I go back, I remember how brave I used to be, having a little spice and I know that I can still be who I want to be. And a little girl power is all it takes.

Fast N Furious

2007-07-01T15:00:00.000+01:00

It'll have to be yet another quicky entry on my part, I'm afraid. It's gotten to that stage where I never seem to have the time, the energy or the inclination to do anything anymore. I get up, I go to work, I come home and sleep. That's it. I'm constantly tired, stressed and thinking. At work, I think about work, at home, I think about bills, rent, the fact I have no furniture, the fact half my possessions are still at my dad's house and all the crazy crap my week seems to throw up.

Wednesday I took a day off work. An aching knee and a sick stomach I usually just live with, but I just couldn't be bothered that day. What's the point, I thought. No one notices whether you're there anyway, you've done everything that needs doing this week, and why should I have to just keep struggling for the sake of it? I couldn't even enjoy my day off in peace anyway. My mother had picked that particular day to visit me at work, and had had to deal with Blokey (who, incidentally, told her the reason I had given to him why I wasn't there that day. No privacy in this world, I tell thee) so I had to go and visit her, and my brother who was also with her. I found out some wonderful pieces of information through my brother such as 'Carole' had stayed over on Saturday night. And not only that, she had stayed in my FUCKING ROOM! I lost my tiny little mind. I immediately sent a text to my dad along the lines of 'How dare you let your fucking girlfriend sleep in my fucking room, fuck you, you bastard'. What can I say, I like the word fuck. And of course, being the pissy little bitch my dad is, he couldn't even text or call me, oh no, he called my brother and told him to tell me to come over so we could 'discuss' this. It's all Chinese Whispers with these cunts, childish wankers. At least I have the balls to say what I think, coincidentally, something my dad told many moons ago that he admired me for.

Although, it wasn't apparent he was admiring me when I was leaning on the worktop, cold face and cold tone, telling him to fuck himself. His weak ass story was that the reason Carole had to stay over was, hang on, it'll be easier if I write it script style:

Dad: Carole has been very sick lately, and I had to pick her up from the hospital, and you know me, I felt sorry for her and thought it was best for her to come over here. I couldn't stay at hers because Malc was staying here and I didn't want him left alone.
Me: I don't care.
Dad: WELL, IF YOU DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SENDING ME TEXT MESSAGES LIKE THAT FOR?!
Me: I meant, I don't care if your GIRLFRIEND is sick. She can be as sick as she likes, I honestly couldn't give a shit.WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SOME WOMAN WHEN I'VE NOT EVEN MEET HER?! SHE SLEPT IN MY FUCKING ROOM AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER. YOU'VE BEEN DATING SOMEONE FOR A FUCKING YEAR AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK TO MENTION IT?! FUCK YOU!!!!
Dad: Stop calling me names, I don't like it when you call me names.
Me: I'll call you whatever I want.
Dad: And you've got it all wrong, I've only been seeing her for a fortnight. And I didn't think about asking you about your room, I've got problems. Malc's selling our house.
Me: You've got problems? YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS?! I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO FUCKING LIVE CAUSE OF YOU. I'M GOING TO LOSE MY JOB. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?! (This is the part where I'm so furious and stressed and start crying)
Dad: I'm the one who should be crying! Malc wants his 20 grand back (Side note: My dad's cousin Malc, a complete dick, gave my dad the deposit money, 20 grand, for our house. It was supposed to be a gift but now he wants it back. With interest) so he's selling our house before the Home Information Packs come out. He's rented a skip to get us out of here.

And then I start talking about H.I.Ps and Debt Free Direct, and we stop arguing. It's always like that, a total scream fest and then all is forgotten. I'm a little pissed as I forgot to bring up the family meal that was held on Saturday, that coincidentally, I wasn't invited to, or informed about, or where Dad let slip he had been seeing Carole for a year. I guess that will have to wait until next time.

I better get back to my mountains of forms. The job hunt continues. Till next time, ta ra!

EDIT: Job hunting can wait. I hate it anyway. The reason I'm stressing about finding a new job is that my temping isn't going to last and I need a secured income to help me find a home. I've got the forms for the housing list in my area but I probably won't get more than a bronze or silver band, and houses always go to gold (baby mommas with more brats than bedrooms, drug addicts etc). Apparently, the job I'm temping for is going to be advertised soon, but it will be a part time thing, no where near the money or hours I need to survive. I'm still going to apply though as I love the work, the people and my righteous boss and maybe I could temp or find another part time thing to help me out. All of a sudden, everything is so complicated and I think I'm going to explode. I keep getting hit by waves of pure misery, like a tide, pulling and pushing and my throat constricts and I can't BREATHE anymore. My insides are eating themselves because I should let them eat something, but when I do it's a family pack of crisps, chocolate bars and other crap being crammed down my throat. Binge eating, binge sleeping, but not binge drinking. I should wash, or brush my teeth but I don't want to move, I just want to lie down and relax but I can't. Things need doing and my head keeps racing, and I think, I wish I could have someone to talk to and I know I have the Chubbs, but somethings you just can't say because the words don't exist anymore because all you think is sleep, sleep, work, sleep. And smoke. Christ, do I smoke. And Jack has a bad foot and his beak juts out in a strange way and it chatters, which means another trip to the vet, paying shitloads of money I don't have just so some guy can say 'Give him this medicine twice a day'. And Rex is so old now, he bumbles around which makes me sad.

And I almost cried last night because I missed Dr Who because I had to go to some stupid street party at my mums, where all I did was sit in a garage, drinking beer, can't eat a thing because I'm vegetarian and everyone is having a good time and being sociable and I'm thinking 'What the fuck am I doing here? I can't talk to people, I'm not like that, I just want to be at home watching tv'. My mum called me an old married woman because all I do is work and sleep and earn money I can't spend because it goes on train tickets and rent and food and presents for other people because it's the world and his wife's birthdays and I don't want to be that guy, the one who gives you fuck all or some cheap spray set that was on the end ailse in Asda. Apparently Maxine Carr is working in St Austell Asda. Yeah right, move on. Who was it last time? Those two guys who killed that boy living in Bodmin. Fuck off, keep your rumours. My mum told me to move in with her and save my money, be a normal teenager who buys clothes and DVDs and shit. I want to, I really want to. I want to have my money, that I have to work for, be normal but I'm older than my mum for Christ sake. I had to look after her when I was small, clean up her piss and sick as she lay prostrate on the stairs bombed out of her mind on cheap booze, then school and bullies, and I had some friends and boyfriends and I loved them but I always end up on my own because thats how it's meant to be. Getting the shit kicked out of me by boyfriends and living in B+Bs and parents not giving a shit and lying to me, about me and wearing clothes with holes in that are too small, too tight, too old, sleeping under cars and in graveyards and hitch hiking. And now I'm sitting in a house, in a conservatory and I think 'How the fuck did I get here?'

And I'm this person that I don't want to be. I don't want to be this person who only goes to work and has no life and talks to her pets and there's flowers in the garden and someone irons my jeans and I'm not the person I used to be cause hey, I used to like her. She was slightly mental but she had fun and she was herself and now I have to dress her up and make her talk in that voice and do this job and she doesn't want to because dammit, it's not fair. And she has to work on her CV and apply for jobs in places she doesn't understand and fill out forms and she bites her lip and she cries in the bathroom and walks out the room when the radio's on because every song hurts because she heard them all before when she was she instead of me. Say please and thank you and brush your teeth twice a day and wear 'natural' make up because none at all isn't accepable and the way you like it isn't either, because you can't wear that much eyeliner to work. The wardrobe is full of boring clothes, jumpers, everything blue, beige, black, understated and all her clothes are on a chair in her old room, leather skirts and fishnet tops and army boots and she had to leave them all behind to live in a house that isn't her's and never will be and she'll never be comfortable and neither will I.

Home Is Where The Heart Is . . .Wait, Where Is My Home?

2007-06-24T15:52:00.000+01:00

Oh, sunny Cornwall, how I have missed thee. I arrived back from my holiday late Wednesday night, and not a day too soon either. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed a lot of my holiday, but it felt at some points like it was just too much hassle. Ignorant Londoners screaming at me on trains and planes, little sun in Salou and arguments a-plenty. But lets not dwell on these things. There was some good points. Sunday was spent at Port Aventura where a rollercoaster loving gal like me could get her kicks out of Furio, Dragon Khan and Stampede, not to mention the show we went to see, Temple del Fuago (although the man doing it hated us 'gringos' and refused to speak in English. Yes, he said as much). Well, I don't need my Spik to English dictionary to enjoy fire so nah nah nah nah nah. The next day was spent luxuriating in a water park with rides a plenty which I thoroughly enjoyed, as beer was sold everywhere and smoking was a freedom I very much enjoyed. The last day we merely wondered around, after a night on the town where we ate in El Toro, the best pizza and steak house in the vacinity before tottering off to 007 for a drink and a dance.

As we had to spend a night in London, our time there was spent in Madame Tussauds where we took lots of pictures of us enjoying the company of Elvis, Andy and Lou, Marilyn Monroe and Kylie. It was a bit sad when I developed my photos as there had been a complication with our camera, and due to a fault, many of our pictures of our night in El Toro and 007 never came out, but at least the memory of my short skirt and slut shoes will burn in Chubbs memory forever.

Back at work was a nightmare. Secrets being kept and little response from people I have been calling to attend for my Speed Matching event. Part of me believes that my work may be going missing again, like it did when a certain someone saw how well I was doing, but part of me is being forced to believe that maybe, just maybe, it's something else.

My father has his unscrupulous cousin visting this weekend, to have the house valued as they plan to sell up, so my father may try and ease himself of £30 grands worth of debt, and be free to frolic with whichever woman he pleases. Apparently, 'Carole' has been over to help clean the house in preparation for it's valuation, oh, what a helpful little thing! I've got an idea, 'Carole', if you would like to be helpful, how about you get the fuck out of my house, hmmmm? Any woman who is happy to be kept secret for a YEAR must be a fucking loon, so don't come in my house, try and be jokey and jovial with my brother, and either show yourself or fuck off.

I don't like liars, and I don't like secrets. Never try and fuck with me, because I never have anything to lose.

I am finally caught up on most of my pre-holiday business. Eastenders has been watched, suitcases have been unpacked, and yet more of my posessions have been carted over to the Casa de Chubbs so as I write, I am able to do this sprawled on my own bed. Yippee!

We're All Going On A Summer Holiday . . .

2007-06-11T20:21:00.000+01:00

I'm finally feeling more myself once again. I am now officially in residence with the Chubbs and his parents, along with Jack and Rex, and of course, Audrey Hepburn, my huge canvas painting of her. The moving was troublesome, involving suitcases, boxes and a generally feeling of dismay that once again, I was going to be living out of someone else's home, out of bags and boxes. I think I spent the first week crying myself to sleep. I pay £30 a week in rent, buy my own food and spend most of my time working or sleeping, no time for DVDs, blogging, or sex, come to think of it.

My dad is now 3 months in arrears with his mortgage so it's probably best I got out now, before the baliffs and repossessions start. He's still with his girlfriend, the woman with no name, the woman of whom he does not speak.

Jooly news, thats what we need. It's my 19th birthday this Saturday and gifts are VERY welcome! My gorgeous Chubbs has surprised me with a trip to Spain to Port Aventura where we will spend 3 days riding rollercoasters, splashing around in water parks and drinking the night away in Irish theme pubs. I'm gonna be so tanned! He also got me an iPod as my MP3 player has played it's last Sabbath song. I've been treating myself to nail varnishes, shoes and all matter of nice things, as hey, Daddy won't get me shit. We're all going out for a meal to celebrate the fact I managed to keep myself alive so long on Thursday to a Chinese/Thai restaurant that I love.

I think I may have mentioned it before, but my mother is an estate agent. Currently, she is selling a house in which a lodger is staying. Now, my mother knew full well someone was staying there but went under the guise of checking the house so that she had all the details correct. When she arrived and let herself in, she faked surprise that the assistant was sitting in the living room. And then who should walk round the corner? Tara Palmer Tompkinson. My mum did the fawning fan routine whilst securing autograohs for myself, one wishing me a happy birthday (I'll try and post pics tomorrow), for Drew, and for Little Brother. My mother even got her phone number so I have given my mum my work contact details so she may ask TPT if she would like to open my Speed Volunteering event that I am co-ordinating for work.

Yes, you heard me right. I am co-ordinating an event all by myself. No longer hiding under the name of my boss on stuffy letters, I am now constantly on the phone, checking numbers, sending and recieving booking forms and I have already had one piece in the local paper, although it does not bear my name. I have even created a newsletter for our office in my spare time, which has recieved a lot of praise. Hopefully, I am one step closer to securing a contract, after all I am doing. Better than Stuffy Dude I work with who as soon as Boss Lady leaves the office, spends all day on the phone to his wife, avaoiding paperwork like the plague, leaving it to pile up and cause back logs that disrupt everybody. Not only that, he jealousy guards the phone, snatching it up on the first ring so that no one else can steal his glory. i know this as when I was a volunteer, the phone could ring and ring and ring, before anybody answered. I love the fact I have him on his toes. I love the fact he hates when I get post with my name on and when people call for me.

Tomorrows task: Go round begging for freebies from local companies so we have an incentive to offer. If anybody works for a company and would like to send me 40 vouchers, feel free!

Time for me to go now, I have to prepare my 'posh' clothes that I need to wear outside when I represent the office, instead of my usual jeans, slut shoes and vest top. Yeah, pro-fess-ion-al!

And You Wonder Why I Don't Call You Dad . . .

2007-05-31T19:04:00.000+01:00

Dear John,

Sitting here, trying to write this, is one of the hardest things I've had to do. I've tried many ways to start this letter but 'You suck' or 'You worthless sad excuse for a parent' doesn't even come close to how I feel now.

I've never felt like your daughter. Was it so wrong I was born female? You do realise that wasn't my choice, don't you? I wasn't floating around in Mum, going 'Ooo, I think I'd like to be born a girl'. Thinking about it, if I did have the choice, I would still be female. I wouldn't be a boy, just so you'd like me. What is so wrong about me? I work hard, I brush my teeth twice a day, I'm responsible financially, I'm smart, I like to read over going out drinking and there is no way in hell I'll be bumming out and having kids with the amount of birth control I eat. What is so terrible about me that you won't even speak to me anymore, hide things from me?

I'm used to coming second to my brother. I never asked to be the favourite. I was used to you putting football, holidays, your cousin, your friends before my welfare. I put up with the fact you can't remember my birthday or the names of my pets. Bujt now, you're putting someone else before me.

Your secret girlfriend.

You disappeared on Monday, claiming you had just nipped out and then you never came back. And then last night, I found out through text that you're shacked up in St Dennis or St Austell with some woman you never thought to mention existed to me. You told my brother though, didn't you? And you both lied through your teeth to me. Well, fuck you both.

And when you do decide to return home, if you ever do or even have a home to return to (I've seen the letters about repossession, don't think I'm stupid) don't think I'll be there. I packed my suitcase at 4am and now me and my pets are residing with Chubbs, whose parents remember my birthday, love Jack and Rex and ALWAYS let me eat.

All you ever do is run, John, and one day, you'll run out of places to run to. Let's hope your son will be there for you, because I certainly won't. I doubt your precious cousin will be able to help you either, because not even giving him my car made him happy, did it?

I'll finish this here, because my babies, my hamster and my bird, need their cages cleaning and even though my eyes are swollen from crying and lack of sleep, I'm sick and shaky, they always come first. Just because I'm not a parent of human children doesn't mean that I don't understand that when you love something, you put them first. Especially your kids, something you've never been able to do. So fuck you, I'm gone, you got your wish. Enjoy your male child who takes drugs, doesn't work and will probably turn into a selfish, irrisponsible cunt JUST LIKE YOU.

Samantha

Daughter in name only

Mother to Jack and Rex, girlfriend of Chubbs and daughter of K with all her heart

You Must Die, I Alone Am Best!

2007-05-26T16:32:00.000+01:00

I hope ya flip some guy the bird
He cuts you off and you're forced to swerve
In front of the Beatles' tour bus
A Bookmobile and a Mack truck
Hauling hazardous biological waste
The light turns red you have no brakes
And "Hard Copy" gets it all on tape
So you can see the look on your face

Die die die die die die die
Die die die die die die die

I hope your Pinto begins to spin
Takes out a disabled Vietnam veteran
Mows down a Nobel Peace Prize winner
And maybe some orphans having Christmas dinner
Perhaps even the British Royal Family
And the Rabbi that's clutching the bottle-fed puppy
And we can't forget the newlyweds
And those Jerry's Kids are as good as dead

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope your cellmate thinks he's God
But C.N.N. refer to him as Bowling Ball Bag Bob
Serving time again for abuse of a corpse
Only this time the victim's a Clydesdale horse
While he masturbates to photos of livestock
He does the "Silence Of The Lambs" dance to Christian Rock
Eats feces and quotes from "Deliverance"
And fights with his imaginary playmate Vince

Die die die die die die die
Die die die die die die die

I hope he grins like Jack Nicholson
And forces you to play a game called Balls On Chin
And whatever happens next is all a blur
But you remember fist can be a verb
And when you finally regain consciousness
You're bound and gagged in a wedding dress
And the prison guard looks the other way
'Cause he's the guy ya flipped the bird the other day

I hope this helps to emphasize
I hope this helps to clarify
I hope you die

I hope you die

Congratulations, You Have Won Item . . .

2007-05-19T14:44:00.000+01:00

I have recently discovered the joy that is eBay. I have been registered for years but I have never had a bank account until about a month ago, now I'm excercising my right as a consumer to shop, shop, shop! I'm very shrewd with what I buy, I won't actually spend more than a fiver on most things, as why buy second hand if it's not a bargain? I think my two favourite new bundles of joy have to be my Tank Girl press pack and t-shirt. Tank Girl rocks my socks, and has been my idol for many years now. I mean, what's not to love about her? She drinks beer, snogs kangaroos and swears more than I do! God bless her fictional status.

Work has been ok, I suppose. More drama, thanks to Blokey, and a divide is becoming clear. Blokey and Woman on one side, my boss and I on the other. But the good news is I have been set up with my own computer and desk and am now running several projects. What's that Blokey? You're just a receptionist and I'm Queen Shit of Everything? I think you're right there, son. Oh, I'm sorry, that's right, you think I'm just some silly girl who was gonna run at the first sign of pressure. Well, get used to my face, my biker boots and my doesn't-take-shit attitude because we'll be hanging around for some time now. Don't forget, jealousy is a disease, get well soon bitch!

On a scarier note though, I met a guy about a year ago when I was with B, we met up for a friendly drink but I thought he was freaky and never spoke to him again. I don't trust people who lie to me and flash their patchwork arm around, like self harm gives him a celeb status. I see him all the time in town, but usually when I was with Chubbs. I catch a bus home from work, and recently he has been sitting closer and closer to me, until 2 days ago he ended up right behind me. He's never said a word. Yesterday, he sat very close to me as usual, then when I decided to get off the bus a stop early, he followed me off and walked about 2 steps behind me until I reached my road. I decided it would be safer to walk on the wrong side of the road and aim for a house that wasn't mine so he wouldn't figure out where I live. I know where he lives and he stays on the bus several stops after I get off nd he has no friends in my area. I was so freaked out that the moment I got home, I called le Chubbs and told him what happened. My dad overheard the convo and (obviously) wanted to know where the guy lived so he could have a word. In my dad's own words 'You're a girl'. Ha ha ha!

I now have my laptop back, so I can blog more, yippee!! I'll be making my rounds on all y'all as soon as I can! Much love!

Are You Registered With Us?

2007-05-12T20:46:00.000+01:00

It appears that my absence is taking more of a toll on my stats that I previously realised. The laptop is still in the shop, waiting to come home to me, but sadly, it is not to be for a while yet. Saying that, I have little free time to sit and blog with all that is going on.

Work is going fantastically and I have some wonderful news. A position is being created for me but due to the law and whatnot, it has to be advertised first. I know that the job is FOR me but who's to say that someone else may not get it? And I don't really like to idea of being the one who has to deal with the application forms! I have been given a lot of responsibility since Blokey came back, I even get to organise speed volunteering for Volunteers Week! It's like speed dating, but instead of men and women, it's charities and volunteers. It's going to be great, I hope! I've been having some trouble with Blokey though, he obviously has FUCK ALL idea what he is doing and spent his first morning reading through my personal file. Don't worry, I've already reported his ass for that! And don't forget the way he treated a volunteer I know very well. Oh my God, it was appalling. He just sat there and blustered his way through everything the poor vol was saying, and even calling him wrong! I'm sick of having to apologise for his behaviour.

I have been happily spending my wages and now have some sexy little Roxy trainers and a pair of red tab jeans (for a tenner!) and I bought a book, a DVD and a gift for my brother as he is very down lately because his chavvy girlfriend who he had been with for a few months, dumped him by text. The callous little bitch. I mean, who even does that?!

I'll have to love you and leave you, I'm afraid. I'm making baked potatoes and tonight's movies of choice are The Ring (original Jap version) and V For Vendetta (I've seen it about 10 times now, it IS that good!)

You Didn't Think I'd Show Up With My Army . . .

2007-05-03T17:09:00.000+01:00

I'm writing this on Chubbs's brand spanking new laptop, trying to utilise my time before I get to go home. My beautiful laptop is still in the shop, awaiting it's new screen and I'm seriously feeling the withdrawel, no matter how many times I sneakily look at Holy Moly and The Superficial at work.

I got my first paycheck last Friday and £70 has already been well spent on gorgeous new hair for myself. It's blonder than before, because dammit, I wanted blondy blondness instead of my sensible browny colours. I looks good and I knows it!

The bad news is Guy Who Had Heart Attack has decided to return to work. Not that anyone wants him to return of course. He is a liabilty, and even before the H.A he couldn't do his job. Muggins here has been the one whose had to clear up all his mess whilst he's been off sick. I'll continue temping with them until the end of May and then back to the wilderness it looks like. Boss Lady really wants me to stay and has even tried to arrange a part time contract for me but those Higher Up are probably going to say no. I'm really sad as I finally felt that I was good at something and now it's going to be all over. I'm thinking about staying on with my temping agency to see if they could get me some work as the money is really good (£6.15 an hour bitches!)but the thought of having to go somewhere new, learning new routines and software is quite scary. It makes me angry too. I know Blokey had the job before me and I was only keeping it 'warm' for him but when I can do everything faster, better and have such a good time, I feel he is jeopardising his health and the people we work for for £90 a week. Yeah, that's right, I earn more than his ass too.

Anyway, think good thoughts for me and hope that I make it through with some sanity left. Oh, and my laptop back too!

Pissed Off

2007-04-22T14:04:00.000+01:00

Le Chubbs dropped my laptop and smashed the screen whilst I was at work the other day, so I can no longer get online. Please don't think I'm being ignorant if I don't visit as often but I'll try and pop by as much as I can until my laptop is fixed.

Fresh Outta Prison and Into My Life

2007-04-17T19:37:00.000+01:00

Lunchtime has never been my favourite part of the day. It's a time where people require me eat with an audience, or witness my strange eating habits and it makes me paranoid. Work so far has been no different, so I tend to sneak off to a bench or sit in the small car park behind the office. Or, like today, I run errands.

First on my list today, I needed to buy some rizlas. I clip clop to the shop in my Timbaland heels, and because I'm smoking, I stand around the corner and eavesdrop on the arguing couple, the only one visable being a teary teenager holding onto a pram.

"I just want you to hurt, like I hurt. I lie in bed at night, just wanting to hold you and kiss you, and I know I can't because you're with her, Badboy"

Badboy? No, not my Badboy, surely. I throw my cigerette on the floor and defiantly stomp round the corner, trying to prove myself wrong. I wasn't. Standing there, large as life and twice as ugly, is Badboy. We say hello to each other and I ask after his cousin (the notorious Doris)who he hasn't seen in years so I tell him about her new bouncing baby boy, before going in the shop. I'm shaking when I get to the counter. I grin nervously at the girl whilst I fumble for my cash, feeling like I will explode with laughter. You all get pussy whipped at some point, don't you boys?

I sneak past them as I leave, not wanting to furthur this conversation, and anyway, his baby momma is giving me freezer burn with her frosty glare. I run my errands, chat to my lovely Chubbs, and decide to relax and eat my dinner on the bench outside my work. After eating, I thought it might be nice to sit in the park across the way, feel the sunshine, smoke a cigerette and generally relax.

Nope, not gonna happen Sam, sorry, no. Instead of a brief hello with him, karma has decided to put him alone on the bench. Dammit. He calls me over, so I go and stroke his dog (and try and steal it) and we try and talk. I say try, because the moment we started, his baby momma comes back, swollen eyes, crying, mouthing off. "Look at her, look at your daughter", she screams, everyone in the park averting their eyes whilst I stand and 'admire' the trees. "You're never going to see her again! You won't even speak to me on the phone because you're with this slag!!". I wheel around, and say with all my ghetto goodness "Excuuuuuse you? I'll have you know I haven't seen this boy in 3 years and we're just catching up, thanks very much". She carries on crying and wailing, so Badboy and I pick up and leave her to it.

We ended up having a chat before I went back to work, he showed my his new scars and told me about prison life, whilst I told him about my sobriety, dodgy vagina and womb and about my job. Some quotes from this afternoon:

"The only time I got arrested was with you. That's six hours of my life you owe me!"

"I dunno if you've changed much, let me have a look at your teeth"

"I bet you got buggared by bigger boys in prison. And I bet you liked it, te he he"

Here's the newspaper article from when he was sent to prison for two years, a letter I wrote shortly afterwards, and our story, Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4.

Being with him today made me realise, I haven't got a single feeling of love, lust or even warmth over this person. Of course, the 15 year old me will always treasure him, but me, who I am now, only realised how great her love was for Chubbs. And always will be.

Apologies In Advance

2007-04-14T03:15:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry I've been posting so much crap recently, but so much has been going on it's been unreal.

Firstly, Chubbs had his meeting with his funders, The Princes Trust, today to discuss funding and they have agreed to give him what he needs! Hurrah! I won't go into the full details and the money is going to take a few weeks to come through, but hopefully www.eco2you.co.uk will be online and ready to go as soon as possible. (You see that baby? I'm pimpin' you already!)

Work has been a freakin' nightmare. Big Boss Lady had the week off as she was on Annual Leave (or holiday in the sun as I like to call it), and muggins here has to take care of the office. All week. At first it was kinda cool, eating pasties, playing Freecell and listening to my MP3 player, but damn it's so boring when you don't have a single scrap of work to do, and all the auld fuckers are ringing up and getting pissy because BBL has the CHEEK to be on holiday when they need here. And then, to top it off, on Thursday morn I was left a pissy sounding answerphone message from BBL asking where the hell I was because she was at work and couldn't get in because I had her keys. Thing is, she told me she was returning to work MONDAY and to meet her 8.45am MONDAY. Even Head Office dude said MONDAY. I kind of take offence to being treated like a bitch when I'm working there for free, but I left it. I was picked up about 15 minutes after the message, and considering I just got up, I think I did pretty well.

But there is good news on the horizon! I am OFFICIALLY a temp now, and the Volunteer Centre will officially be employing me of this Monday. Which also means the Jobcentre can kiss my sweet can gooooooodbye (I know you're going to miss me Security Dude, but I also know you wear ladies pants). Funnily enough, the moment I mentioned I had a job, they stopped treating me like a criminal. See, if y'all had been so nice before, I would have stopped wiping my ass with my signing on book. Well, maybe one more time before I send it back to you . . .

I had a lovely Easter break with the Chubbs, Holly, her brother and Chubbs sister, although I find the rest of his friends and family a wee bit too much. They always have a way of making me feel like the token 'common' person, or like Mrs Rochester, to be locked away in the attic where you folk don't have to displeasure your eyes with the sight of me. I went to the beach and am looking 'healthy' (i.e tanned a little) and I got to play with Barbies and whatnot. Yeah baby!

I think I'll end this post with another quote from H, Chubb's adorable 3 year old French neice:

You speak English, but not very well

(She's also obsessed with asking everybody their age. I think the next time she asks me, I'll merely answer "I'm 3, why the hell are you so small?!")

What Type Of Angel Are You?

2007-04-11T23:05:00.000+01:00

What type of Fallen Angel are you? [beautiful + dark pics]

You are a fallen angel of neglect. You have fallen because of you being suppressed and miserable, though this may not be your fault. You have been discarded. Shunned for whatever reason and this has made you deeply unhappy. You feel as though you are a dispointment to others. This causes you to have extremely low self value and confidence.

Quote: "The worst loneliness is when you're not comfortable with yourself"

Element:Water Emotion:Hurting/Disconsoled
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

From The Mouths Of Babes

2007-04-05T18:39:00.000+01:00

Holly (who's 3):And I saw a crocodile!
Me: Really! What did it look like?
Holly: Like Grandad

When I Said I Wanted A Paid Position, I Didn't Mean Like This

2007-04-01T00:34:00.000+01:00

The person I share my job with had a heart attack in my office on Tuesday. He has been in hospital and suffered a second heart attack, along with arresting 6 times. I would appreciate all those in Blogland to keep him in your thoughts so that he can make a full recovery. I have met him just once, but I share my chair, computer, telephone, even my goddamn pen with this guy and I just hope and pray he gets better.

Failed T Shirt Idea

2007-03-26T15:19:00.000+01:00

toothpastefordinner.com

I am home once again, hurrah! My week is generally split to Mondays to Thursdays I am here, and Thursday nights to Monday mornings I am at Casa de Chubbs. I'm actually really beginning to hate spending time over there, it just feels like I'm constantly walking on eggshells, dirty and stinking because I can't shower or take a bath and hungry, because I can't eat the food as it isn't mine. I used to be ok with it but now I'm starting to get seriously pissed off.

I had a shit day at work last Thursday, and I haven't had a phonecall to let me know when to next come in. I basically had some altercations with the IT Guy because as soon as he stepped through the door, it was a mixture of me being ignored or he was rude to me. And I had no qualms in relating to my boss that he was the reason I couldn't get my work done due to the fact he was so fucking noisy, gabbing away to any cunt who'd listen. So I'm probably now painted as a shit stirrer but when I'm giving up my time, to work for FREE, I don't take crap.

I arrived home early yesterday in preparation for the Sunday Lunch with Mother and was greeted by the sight of my brother, sporting a split lip. He had been walking his girlfriend home on Saturday night when he was attacked. A drunken wanker had stumbled up to my brother, punched him in the mouth, then demanded money. My brother took one look at the cunt and ran away, scared. He even lost his shoe. He has reported it to the police but what's the chance of anything happening? Exactly. Unless I bump into the cunt of course. Then a LOT of shit would happen.

And then of course, this morning. The Jobcentre has sent me a letter telling me to come in tomorrow. Thanks for the warning, cunts! So now I've got to go alllll the way into town because they fucked up and didn't photocopy my ID the other 2 times I've been in there. Donkey fucking lazy imcompetent cunts! They've not even given me a single penny yet the twats.

Survey Time!

2007-03-24T20:24:00.000Z

I realised I haven't done a survey whatsit in ages, and seeing all the blank ones I had stored up in my unpublished entries bit, I thought it was time to let you in to all the weirdy stuff. Enjoy!

1. What is the middle name of the last person you slept with?
Peter

2. What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color?
Really cheap black g-string

3. What is the song you want played at your funeral?
Highway to Hell

4. Would you tell your parents if you're gay?
Probably, don't think I'd like my mother's reaction since she's real set on Grand Kids

5. What would your last meal be before getting executed?
I think it would be a cheese and tomato sandwich, I love them

6. Beatles or Stones?
Everybody must get Stoned

7. If you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who?
My arch nemesis

8. Beer, wine or hard liquor?
All of the above

9. Do you have any phobias?
I get terrified at the mention of crabs (the ones in the ocean), seaweed, sharks, spiders, all insects, the dark, bees, wasps, daddy long legs etc etc

10. What are your plans for the future?
Just this week I have made plans to be a burlesque dancer, quit my current volunteer roll and buy a dog. Next week it'll be something way different.

11. What's your dog thinking right now?
I don't have a dog, but my hamster thinks he's one. He's probably thinking about food.

12. Do you walk around the house naked?
All the time in my room, and upstairs only if people aren't in

13. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
It depends on what.

14. Where is your best friend?
One's on his perch, one's running on his wheel and one's at home

15. Hair color you like on someone you're dating?
I love brunettes

16. Would you rather be blind or deaf?
Deaf

17. Do you have any special talents?
Yes, I am very "special".

18. Did you brush your teeth this morning?
Yes

19. Ever call for a booty call?
Many times, they're amazing!

21. First movie you can remember seeing as a kid?
The Parent Trap

22. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
Take off my shoes

23. Do you like horror or comedy?
A bit of both

24. Do you like to watch movies by yourself?
Sometimes, I have certain things to watch when I'm depressed.

25. Guilty pleasure movie you will always watch if it's on?
I don't really have one I watch everytime it's on but I watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show every year

26. Person you most wish you hadn't been with?
I REALLY regret being with M, but without being with him and B, I wouldn't have learnt how to listen

28. If you weren't straight, what person of the same sex would you do?
Who said I'm straight? ;)

29. Where do you want to live when you are old?
I want to live in a house with Chubbs. We'll sit around in our underpants, with his dog on a bit of string and me with birds roosting in my rat's nest hair. It'll be heaven!

30. Who is the person you can count on most?
Le Chubbs, naturally

31. If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
Soooo many! I guess Anthony Hopkins, Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Terry Wogan, Gillian Anderson, Madonna and the guy who play Mulder in X Files.

32. Favorite drinking game?
'Last To Puke', I used to play that a LOT!

33. What did you dream last night?
That my sweetness Jack was squeezed to death, I could see his blank eyes and blood running out of his beak. It's upsetting me now.

34. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Nude asian teen mud wrestling

35. Real or fake boobs?
Real . . .with a little bit of 'help'

36. What is your new obsession?
Tesco DVD Rental

37. Any tattoos? Not yet

Maybe I'll Hide In My Wardrobe And Cry . . .

2007-03-19T22:44:00.000Z

Pissing around on the internet, trying to distract myself from God telling me to kill Chubbs, I decided to check my Statcounter as I haven't been there in a while and was greeted by many lovely people coming to visit me from Bloggy Award. Clicking on the link, I was puzzled, until I discovered I had been reviewed. To be perfectly honest, I felt sick. I had put my blog up for review many moons ago when I was slightly more vain about what I wrote, but had forgotten all about it. Apparently my site looks good, but I merely warble on with no valuble information for anyone. What the hell do you expect? I'm 18, for crying out loud! It's gonna be me, me, me for a few years yet! Just because I don't spend my days posting about how to bake the perfect cookies (which I can) or how to care for and breed canaries (which I also can) I get a 6. Well, balls ye. This blog is about Being Me, and that's how it's gonna stay.

But I will give you some interesting info, for those who are inclined:

Canaries can carry a form of chlymidia, which can be passed on with touch.

Geri Halliwell auditioned for the part of Tank Girl, and failed miserably. It was also the first time she met Vicky B.

The scar above James Marster's (Spike from Buffy) was caused by a mugging when he was 17 or 19. I know because I have a signed photo of him and spent many years lusting over his fine, fine booty.

M's foster mother has got it on with one of The Wurzels, which is righteous in it's own manner.

So there you go, some facts to repeat to friends and family to make yourself look cool. I learnt a couple of facts today myself, such as you can no longer smoke in front of the Jobcentre because of the law, and that if you walk past work whilst out and about shopping, you'll probably get asked to work that afternoon. Oh, and I am kickass babysitter. That 12 year old never stood a chance against Hot Babysitter with her Mega Cleavage.

I hope you all donated to Comic Relief. Baby Africans are now not dying of malaria because I did.

It's Baaaaaack

2007-03-13T18:41:00.000Z

The lovable Chubbs stayed up all night Sunday in a desperate bid to complete his business plan and his figures, and sent it away Monday morning, in the hope it was all over and done with. Apparently, not so. More work has come sliding to him through the medium of email so he'll be slogging it out all over again. At least we managed to have a fantastic weekend and it felt like I was finally getting my Chubbsy back, and I feel much closer to him again. We snuggled up on his sofa watching movies like Scary Movie 4 and Moulin Rouge, and reconnecting. It felt a little like I was losing him over the past couple of weeks, with his diet, meaning he rarely eats with me, or his business plan, meaning he is constantly bent over my laptop, coming to bed late and getting up early. Even though he's physically been by my side,I've really missed him.

Although I won't have to worry about being bored this week. Work today, which went amazingly well as I managed to get loads of stuff done, without having to ask questionss all the time. It was quite embaressing though when I thought I had broken the photocopier, calling my boss over and having her explain, in a slow and simple way, that it was merely out of paper. Doh! Baby-sitting tomorrow, work on thursday and on Friday, finally, I have a meeting at the Jobcentre to see about getting me some benefits! Wooo weee! I'm really beginning to struggle as I have absoloutly f.a money, hence the babysitting. I had to borrow my bus fare off of my brother this morning, how embaressing is that? I had tried to wait until I had a bank account but thanks to a certain SOMEONE'S credit rating (which is applied to a house, not a person) I got turned down. I'm re-applying for another one but I just don't know what to do if I get turned down again.

I've bought Mother her Mother's Day present after I realised I usually end up getting her something practical and decided to go the cute and fluffy route this time. And no joke card either! I'm actually dreading it as I just know she'll want to do that whole 'eating in public is fun' shit and I'll end practically choking, trying to be normal and eat in front of a crowded room. Gaahh, I hate eating in public. I still hide from Chubb's mum and dad when I eat and I've known them for about 7 and a half months. I think it would really please Chubbs if I could sit and have a meal with them, but I can't, I just can't. It's one of my things, I guess.

I am still devouring books at my hungry pace. I have now added About A Boy and The Beach to my collection after getting them cheap from a charity shop, and am now currently enjoying One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest for the third time. Damn, I love books.

I'll have to finish here as my X Files is on! Fire, fire!

"Bumping Into Me On The Stairs"

2007-03-04T02:34:00.000Z

Chubbs has currently been bogarting my laptop in the attempt to complete, then hack at chunks in his precious business plan. One moment he is being told it is a clear, concise plan, the next being told that it is far too long. So, therefore, he has been hacking, slashing, cutting and generally being very out of it for the past few days. He hasn't even been watching The X Files re-runs with me! (Living TV are showing them all over again from the beginning. It's like a gift from God and I'm still contemplating which order I would do Mulder and Scully)

I had a revelation on Thursday, but it didn't come easily. I had been told to come into work at 12.30 as my boss wasn't going to be there until then. Hooby Groovy, thinks I. I have to catch the 11 clock train as my station is closed between 11 and 1 so I would have to wonder around town for a while, but I thought it would be OK as Mother's Day is soon and I could check out all the gifts.

Wandering around town, with myself firmly plugged into my MP3 player, I nipped into the pet shop and bought Rex a new bottle to drink out off and headed off to my favourite Charity shop, as it's the only one that's sells decent books that have not been thrown up on, gnawed, used as a coaster etc. I found myself a great copy of High Fidelity which I am currently consuming with much gusto as I adore the film. Probably because John Cusack plays the character so perfectly but who knows? Anyway, so I'm aimlessly milling around, staring with thinly disguised disgust at the teen mothers, chav daddys and that girl I went to school with who pretended not to know me when she got to college, but now looks skagged off her tits and needier than a small child, when I realise Work has tried to call me. I try in vain to call back, just KNOWING that there had been a fuck up. I ring Chubbs and begin ranting:

"If they're calling me to tell me not to come in today, 40 minutes before I'm meant to be there, I'm going to fucking QUIT. I don't give a fuck if I'm meant to stay for 6 months, I can't fucking stand this SHIT anymore" yadda yadda yadda. I grow even more pissed off when half way through said rant my phone decided the SIM isn't in there any more and disconnects me. Bastard. I end up trudging work very pissed off, and very aware that people are staring at me as A) I look really pissed off B)I'm carrying an Oxfam bag with Lindt chocolates in C) I am not covered in head to toe New Look as every other woman in town is. Also some of guys.

I get to work, and I was half right. Boss Lady had called to tell me to come in a bit later as she had to be somewhere, but whatever. I was so 'something' then that all I did was through down my bag and switch on the comp. The reason for the Lindt chocolates: I took them into work to offer some to Other Woman in the office because she was mean to me. What annoys mean people? Nice people. Hence my plan. Turns out she was diabetic but apparently, just the offer counted. She made me a cup of tea, asked my opinion on shoes and all is well. Hurrah! And then, trying to carry on with my work, feeling frustrated and crap because I had made mistake after mistake, I had had enough. I screamed in my head "I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK", sat down, learnt to breathe again and afterwards, I found I didn't. And when I had finally stopped giving a shit, I stopped making mistakes and all my stress melted away. Result!

I know you have all been dying to know who my mystery celebs were so here are the answers:

1. Robbie Williams
2. Mariah Carey
3. Matt Le Blanc
4. Tony Blair
5. Cameron Diaz
6. Catherine Zeta Jones
7. Pam Anderson

Seeing as no one got it right (without cheating :D) I can't send anyone a prize postycard but seeing as I'm in a generous mood, if anyone wants one from the land of Kernow, send me an email with your addy and I'll be happy to post one out.

While You Were Gone

2007-02-27T14:27:00.000Z

While you were gone,
I made the bed, tidied up,
Picked up the plates,
Cleared away all the cups
(smashing things against me head these thoughts dont go away)

I washed myself,
Beautified and perfumed,
Just for you,
I blossomed, I bloomed
(i cut myself in the places you dont see)

I go to work and I smile,
I joke,
I do my work,
Play normal for folk
(i try not to cry)

I am perfect you see,
I smile and laugh, all lies,
Because while you were gone,
Bad thoughts do their miles.
(i want to die)

My facade wearing thin
(i want to die)
Smiles beginning to crack
(let me die)
Pull yourself together, girl
(kill me now i cry)
Normal folk don't think like that
(im not normal)

I hate writing poetry, I really do but according to the back of a book I have 'Poems are the new self help books'. Really? So they're written by smug aresholes too? Probably. I don't know. No work for me today. Big Boss Lady is away so I have today off to do as I please. As I please tends to go along the lines of smoking, staring, thinking, which isn't the 'healthiest' thing for me to do as I am currently losing It. Whatever It is, It appears to be vital, as no one should cry 3 times a day over nothing, or scream over nothing, or pick at and rip at and tear at whatever is around. And my hair is falling out at an alarming rate.

Rex's water bottle has broken again so he is currently drinking out of a bowl on his cage floor. He seems ok with the new arrangement, but I think he's just happy he has water again. The little ball in his bottle is stuck so he couldn't get water out for ages, and had to wait for Mummy or Daddy to come along and squeeze it. Bless him. He has actually gone feral now so we can't play with him (or touch him, for that matter) but it's fun watching him pouncing and acting all boyzee.

Lily Allen - Alfie (Music Video)

2007-02-24T14:30:00.001Z

This is exactly like my Little Brother and I!

Another Day, Another Fuckwit.

2007-02-22T23:29:00.000Z

I am truly beginning to hate my job. At first it seemed like a breeze, but now it seems like every time I go in, there is less and less stuff to do and I'm left spinning in my chair, shuffling envelopes and checking my email on the sly. I wrote up one thing today, made a new poster and sent out a few letters because my work had mysteriuosly gone 'missing'. That does not fill 4 hours, dammit! And I'm really becoming frustrated with a woman who works there (not my boss) who seems to be getting meaner as the days past. I even cried when I got home today. I just feel that I am trying my best to complete anything I am given, and even though she has nothing to do with me, or my boss, that she is completely rude. She even showed up late this morning and swished passed us without so much as 'Good morning'. Chubbs suggests taking in some chocolates or something because that'll continue to piss her off because I can't get in trouble for being nice, can I? Mwah ha ha ha.

I didn't bother going to work on Tuesday, as due to an argument between Chubbs and I that lasted until 6am Tuesday morning, I felt completely drained, physically and emotionally, and the thoughtof having to deal with all the mundane crap and boredom almost brought me to tears.

My dad was at the football game in Paris the other day, when everyone got teargased. Luckily, he was standing quite near the back so he only got a slight misting of the awful stuff. I don't know the full story of what happened but if you want to find out you can Google it or something. To me, football is more boring than English history or Jamie Cullum, the Gollum-ish twat. My dad also 'forgot' to mention he would be going away for 5 days so I'm not very happy.

I visited Mother Dearest yesterday and helped set up her new gorgeous dining room set with the help of mein Chubbs. It was the first time he had ever sat down and had a proper chat with her before so they started getting to know each other. I'm hoping she likes him, which I think she does, as I cannot have her hating him like she has done with every other man who has had the misfortune of meeting her. I feel weird around my mum at the moment, like I can't say or do anything right. I just don't feel like her daughter, that everything I do annoys her. I'm hoping it's just a passing phase.

Seeing as no one has correctly guessed whom my 'celebs' are yet, I will leave the quiz open for another few days and see what happens.

I recieved my passport today, hurrah! It's got a chip in though, which tracks everything. Scary. 1984, Big Brother is watching you! If I don't post after this, you'll find me in Room 101 with man eating spiders on my face! Mayday, mayday!

Being Sick Is Boring

2007-02-18T15:06:00.000Z

So I've got a little game to play. I have been to a look-a-like website and have picked out the worst look-a-likeys I could find. Your mission is to guess who is meant to be who! The winner will recieve a postcard from yours truly from the sunny shores of Cornwall. Let the games begin!

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

So Long, Fair Well!!

2007-02-16T11:55:00.000Z

I will be taking a leave of absence from my blog as I'm actually real sick at the moment. I've been pushing myself so hard recently, sitting in a cold office twice a week on little sleep with a runny nose and trying to pretend I'm OK, when all I want to do is go back to bed. I was even sick on Tuesday, but even then I pushed myself to go into work. I know, I know, bed rest and fluids but being me, if I can stand, I'm OK. But seeing as I don't have to go back to work till Tuesday, I can laze around, sleeping, eating, drinking as much as I want until then.

Yes, I officially have more hours at work now. I now do Tues afternoons as well as my usual Thursday mornings, how great is that?! It seems like everything is coming together, and all I really do is put stuff into the database and file stuff. It's so easy! I think my favourite part is changing the window display cause I get to make posters on Publisher and play around with Clip Art.

I had a wonderful Valentines Day with the Chubbs, even with my stuffed up head and runny nose. He loved his present which was a personalised teddy bear with his website name on and a lovey dovey message from me on the back. He got me a massive card and balloon, a microwavable devil thing (I'm always cold), a mug, some chocolates and roses! Awww, he's so lovely! I should have some photos soon if anyone would like to see them. Chubbs and I just had lots and lots of cuggles on the sofa and I made lasagna for tea with warm scotch pancakes covered with strawberries, raspberries and double cream for dessert. It was a great evening.

A small war has started here. The bird and hamster have officially decided they hate each other and much wind each other up at all costs. Jack has been flying onto Rex's cage, trying to make Rex attack him, but as soon as Rex gets close enough, Jack just poos on him and flies away. They're driving me insane!

I will be back in about a week. Cheery pip!

Love Sam xXx

It Sucks To Be Old

2007-02-10T16:41:00.000Z

I'm at home, having some alone time whilst Chubbs is in town, looking for my Valentines pressie, yippee! I came home, quite happy and content but whilst having a quick tidy up, I found my old diary and decided to have a little read and I couldn't believe half the stuff I was reading. For a few months, I could only remember the good things but now, re-reading the past, I found myself thinking of all the bad things. How I got pushed out at school and left behind whilst all the other girls went off and did stuff. How badly I got treated by so called friends. But it also helped me realise how badly I have fucked up in situations. I have thrown away some wonderful friendships, let my personal demons stop me going to school. I drank far too much and hurt the people trying to help me. All I can say is at least I learnt from it, so it may have been worth it.

I also found some interesting little bits I wrote, such as my Rules of Life. I hope they help you as much as they help me.

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully
Marry a man you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversation skills will be as important as any other.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
When you say 'I love you', mean it.
When you say 'I'm sorry', look the person in the eye.
Be engaged for at least 6 months before you get married.
Believe in love at first sight.
Never laugh at anyones dreams. People who don't have dreams, don't have much.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile sweetly and say 'Why do you want to know?'.
Remember that great love and great achievement involve great risk.
Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Remember the 3 R's: Respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for all your actions.
Don't let a little dispute ruin a great friendship.
When you realise you have made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Smile when you pick up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
Spend some time alone.
Don't forget your friends.
Don't think of what could have been, think of what could be.

SuperSam TM

2007-02-06T22:36:00.000Z

She slices, she dices, she's SuperSam! Available is all inbred counties near you!

I never promised anything and I know you'll disapprove, but this is something I have to do.

I carry my scars as a tribute to my past, and I carry myself as a tribute to all those people I could have been.

La la la

2007-02-03T18:44:00.000Z

I finally had my first day on Thursday, hurrah! The first thing I did? Have a cup of tea and a fag with my new 'boss'. It rocks my socks! I officially have the best job in the universe (technically I'm volunteering, but lets not get caught up in specifics). I spent my time making new window posters on Publisher (Clip Art anyone?) and spinning around on my chair. It could have been a lot worse, as that morning I had been sick in the shower due to God knows what. The Chubbs thinks it was probably nerves but I've been feeling queasy ever since so I might have a bug. Although it probably didn't help that I was binge eating about 2am the night before, shoving chocolate and dried apricots down my throat like they were going out of fashion.

Chubbs went to see the Princes Trust on Friday about funding for his business, but due to a fuck up by his so-called 'business advisor' he only got money for market research and has to wait until next month for the real funding. He's quite depressed about it and is feeling a bit like a failure, although no one else sees him that way. In all honesty, I could happily run over his business advisor because the mistake he made was HUGE. If he is the chairman of some business advisor thing, then this fuck up must have been deliberate or else he is entirely incompetent. Which one to choose from . . .?

I saw Mother Dearest today and saw her new kitchen and conservatory. They look amazing, even though her builder is making mistakes left right and centre. The latest fuck up is he's glued one of her cabinet doors shut. So far he has put things in upside down or in the wrong place, cut things the worng size, dented her new plaster, chipped her new worktop, broken her bin and drilled through her wall. Suffice to say, she's not happy but it'll all be over soon hopefully. I think it's hilarious that she's going to give him a list of damages and not pay him, he he he. The reason I went to see her is because she's lending me the money to pay for Chubb's Valentines gift, which is the best present in the world. Obviously I can't tell you what it is, but I'll post a picture when he gets it :D

This weeks obssessions are Chairman Mao, Nip/Tuck and trying to change my blog template. I still can't find one which looks simple and nice, yet has comments. Help, someone?

Cunt (Literally)

2007-01-25T23:08:00.000Z

There is a lot of things going on around here at the moment. My father is on the edge of losing our home due to that fact he cannot stop spending money on anything other than bills, the volunteer place where I'm supposed to be volunteering isn't answering their damn phone and Chubbs has a cold sore due to stress. Oh yeah, and today I was told my womb is BACKWARDS. What the FUCK is that all about? Apparently it's cool, 1/3rd of women have it but still, WTF?

The reason I know is because today was my first time, today I became a woman, yada yada yada, and I finally pulled my head out of my ass and got the full works done down town. No more swab things you do at home and drop off at the doctors but the full examination, paper sheet and all. The reason Chubbs and I decided to go was because sex had become a little difficult and painful for me, and that is not really an area you want to ignore. Visions of herpes, chlymidia and the other one (I can't spell it) were dancing through my head so we booked ourselves in for a little 'fun' at the GU clinic. Yeah, we're responsible and shit. My personal favourite part was when a giant battering ram, uhh, I mean, plastic thing shaped like a duck bill was shoved up me and opened. I hate being a girl. He couldn't even open it properly because fanny ann decided it was clamping down and not letting anything in (I could crack walnuts, baby).

And apparently that's the problem. Everything else is perfectly fine, except the fact I've lost my mojo. It's not even me, it's it. It's so scared of getting hurt it can't relax and that's why it hurts so much. That's why the Doc slapped the Booty Ban on us. No more penetration for a month. We're just supposed to relax and and fool around but nothing goes in, and the month after that, it's up to me. I'M in control. I think Chubbs is going to implode with delight :D

I can't believe I just wrote an entry about my vagina . . .

Dragging On

2007-01-20T00:27:00.000Z

It seems like nothing much has changed recently. Chubb's business plan has been coming along nicely and hopefully he will begin test trading soon, yippee! He'll be meeting with the Prince's Trust in a few weeks to see about some funding so I'll be quizzing him on his business plan over the nest few days to make sure he can field any questions the panel throw at him.

My new 'boss' still isn't back at work, and it looks like I won't be going in for another week. This whole situation is becoming quite stressful and I just don't know what to do. I've been concentrating on other things, and have found a modelling agency I am planning to join as soon as I can get some photos. They don't need to be professional but due to some stress (it's been slightly rocky with Chubbs and I) I took it out on myself and have some hair missing. I just lost my temper and hacked at the front of my hair. It doesn't look too bad but I want a hair appointment so I can get my roots done as well.

The reason for stress being put on our relationship is mostly my fault. I've been having some trust issues and was having problems dealing with Chubb's past. I'm working my way through it, and it's isn't actually Chubb's fault. It just got really hard to deal with when Chubbs began to withdraw due to my lack of trust. We've worked through it and I trust him again. So much to say, and no way to say it!

Luckily, I have The Baby Borrowers (We love Alex but hate Sam), MAO The Unknown Story and Writing A Novel.

Be Gentle, It's My First Time

2007-01-11T20:17:00.000Z

Nothing ever seems to go right for me. Today was supposed to be my first day, and I was nervous enough as it was. Not only was the day wet and windy so I couldn't wear my new shoes, the train decided to be late. I had to march down from the train station, wind blowing my skirt up every 10 seconds, only to find the person I'm working for wasn't coming in today as she had a bereavement and no one had called me because no one knew about me yet. So not only had I had a slight heart attack about being late, and pulling the muscles in my ankle marching about, I had come all this way for nothing. Well, not nothing, I was given my name badge and boy, is it shiny! Name badges are cool!

The woman who was covering though was very sympathetic, and gave me a cup of tea because it was raining and the next train wasn't for an hour. She showed me around and told me a bit about what she does and who else works there. We ended up chatting much longer than an hour but I caught a train home about 20 minutes after I left, and stormed up the road to see my Chubbsy because Chubbsy fixes things, especially me. Plus he's reeeal pretty and I like some man candy in the afternoons :D

My mum's just rang me up, wanting me to advertise her on here so she can marry a millionaire who can pay for some plastic surgery. I hope she's joking bcause if I have to whore my mum out on the internet, well, that's going to buy me some serious time on the couch . . .

ADDED: I have added a clip of one of my favourite movies and one of my favourite songs to my blog. I'm dancing to it right now :D It's best viewed in Firefox, just so y'know.

This Year Is My Year

2007-01-04T21:36:00.000Z

I'm sorry if my entry isn't as eloquent or as intelligent as I wish, but I've been having a stressful night. The moment I sit down to write, the bird starts singing, the hamster starts running in his squeaky and now rattling wheel or Chubbs has one of his coughing/sneezing fits which are extremely loud and explosive. Usually I don't mind but since I had some lovely news to tell you and wanted to do it in the best possible way, I got irritated at all the distractions.

Anyway, on with the news. I had my interview at the Volunteer Agency today, and I got it! Volunteering for a few hours a week with full training and reimbursement of travel, not bad eh? I've been waiting for so long for something to come along, and now something has! Not too shabby for the 4th day of the New Year.

And I have now got all my Thank You cards posted off and my passport renewal form filled out so I can finally think about doing some positive things instead of wandering around my icy garden barefoot at 3am because I can't sleep because I have the heebie jeebies. I've been getting them a lot recently, constantly comparing myself to all these people, wishing I could do what they do, not because I want to, but because at least if I did them, I would be considered 'normal' and then I could get left the hell alone. If I'm completely honest, I don't like myself very much right now. I hate the way my thought process works. I hate the fact that everyone seems better than me (when in all reality they're probably no better or worse). I hate the fact I'm battling between myself now and my 15 year old self who is positively screaming for revenge.

Maybe my New Year resoloution should be to be less weird :D

2007 Already??

2007-01-02T01:34:00.000Z

This probably won't be the best entry as I'm kinda snarky right now, but I'll try and put that behind me to wish all of y'all a Happy New Year. What better way to end 2006 by hanging Saddam Hussein, I must say, the mental image of him burning in the fires of hell will keep me smiling long into February.

So what did you do for New Year? Chubbs and I, being the social rejects that we are, sat around in our pyjames, drinking Cava and eating pickled onions from the jar. It was great! I HATE having to be sociable and standing around forever just so I can hear some clock in London ding dong the New Year in when I can just as easily watch it on the telly with the person I love.

Have you all made your New Year's Resoloutions? Gonna lose four pounds, quit smoking, drink less? BORING! After all the 'excitment' of the New Year, the fact a crisp, lean 2007 is being lain down for you and the first thing you want to do is punish yourself? What the hell is wrong with you?! That's why this year I resolve to smoke more cigerettes, eat more chocolate, sleep more and spend every spare penny of shoes and books. I'm gonna make this year work for ME :D

Anyway, surprisingly, Christmas went well more me this year. No horrifically unsuitable presents from my mother but more a lovely spread of perfume and pyjames. Chubbs got me these:

I've just realised, he gave me a bag of licorace to but it's not in the pic, and he adopted me a penguin!! Called Captain Jack and he lives in the Falkland Islands! Sam likey penguins! It was so sweet and thoughtful of him because, for some reason, I am obsessed with penguins. I just looove them :) His gifts to me seemed quite a lot when I gave him this but he really liked them:

And this is what Chubb's parents got me:

I know, right? It seems so much! But at least now I can (kinda) stop panicking that they secretly hate me.

First Time For Everything

2006-12-24T08:56:00.000Z

Yesterday I met Chubbs's brother, sister and her kids for the very first time and it was a nerve racking experience. As we all know, it's very important that the love of your life's family likes you or else there could be trouble ahead. I think what scared me the most was that I'd hate his family and then that would put a massive wedge between us (even though Chubbs hates my mother, but I do too so that's not much of a problem :D)

It seemed to be fine and I liked them, and they appeared to like me, even though I spent most of the time hiding, drinking or blushing, but it could have been worse. I watched my language, kept most of what I was thinking in my head and basically said fuck all. It's better to be shy than a gobby cunt.

Some quotes from last night:

"Are you his mummy?" Chubbs's 3 year old niece to me about Chubbs
"I thought Santa had already been to your house" Chubbs's 6 year old nephew to me about all the presents
"She's beautiful" Chubbs's sister to Chubbs about me
"I'm scared of her cause she's bigger than me . . . and she has big teeth" Chubbs's nephew about me
"Look what Daddy did for you!" Chubbs's sister's partner to his daughter after E (Chubbs's brother) spent ages putting together a pram

Back To Normal (Well, Damn Near Close)

2006-12-20T17:08:00.000Z

Ahhh, the excitement never stops in the Carberry household. After I posted my last entry my lips continued to get bigger and bigger, and my face also started to swell as well. We ended up in Minor Injuries in Bodmin to get it fixed. I was given some lovely sleep inducing tablets that made the swelling go away. It's turns out it was probably the MSG in the food I ate, as the salt from the food went into the cracks into my lips, and the MSG created histamine which caused a sort of 'allergic reaction'. But I'm all better now, and Pete Burns has finally stopped calling for the name of my surgeon :).

Chubbs and I have been having a very interesting discussion today about the 'sexy older ladies' after I admitted my thing forAnthony Hopkins and we managed to name a few. Obviously in the list were Sharon Stone, Demi Moore, Goldie Hawn and Madonna. Who do you think should be added to our list?

You Spin Me Right Round . . .

2006-12-18T22:42:00.000Z

Today is my Dad's 48th birthday, and I think he's having a good time. I nipped out to the shops today and picked up a football shaped cake and the card I forgot to buy, even though I was standing in Clintons the other day. I managed to find a really nice one that said 'From your daughter, Dad, little girls love their dad, even when they're all grown up'. I had to pay for and choose my brother's card to my dad as the little shit conviently 'didn't have any money'. We had a good evening, just joking about and eating chinese when this happened:

I know, I look like fucking Pete Burns. Chubbsy thinks it may be a reaction to the MSG in the food. I don't know what it is but it hurts like hell and it's really difficult to eat or drink. Can still smoke though, ha ha ha. They're still getting bigger, ooo err.

Christmas Is Upon Us

2006-12-15T00:52:00.000Z

First of all I'd like to say a great big Thank You to everyone who filled out that questionnaire. I know it wasn't the most fun thing to do but it was a big help to the Chubbs and his buisness start up is getting well under way. Whoo hoo! The richer he gets, the more ponies I get, and isn't that what every girl wants? Damn skippy it is!

It seems Christmas is upon us and I'm being dragged into the spirit kicking and screaming. Last night I went shopping in Truro to pick up some presents for my Dad and Little Brother and I picked up a few things for the Chubbs as well. I decided for a laugh to buy my brother a nudey girl calendar, but I coudn't decide between Kelly Brooke and some blonde maid from Hollyoaks. So I did what any girl would have done, and grabbed the nearest teenage boy. 'Teenage boy' I cried, 'who do you think is hotter? Blonde-y or Kelly?' He looked shocked, that's for sure. But luckily, his mates joined in and helped me pick the hottest of the two. It was hilarious. Their female companions on the other hand? Not so happy! I grassed up a shoplifter in Boots, hehehe. Oh, don't give me that look, the security guard was glad of something to do! And I saw a Storm Trooper!! I nearly dropped all my shopping, I wanted to chase after him and dry hump him into submission.

I also bought myself a few gifts in Waterstones as it was 3 for 2. I got Wicked, The Devil Wears Prada, Celebrities My Arse and Luna Park. All for £25, bleedy bargain! And I also bought myself The Nightmare Before Christmas on DVD for a fiver! Excellent. I knows a bargain when I see one :)

My mother is in a state again, God knows what about this time. Shouting down the phone to me earlier today that if I didn't come down and put up her tree tonight she was going to cancel Christmas. Frankly, she can do as she pleases as I'm fed up with that woman. If I had gone down and put up her tree, I wouldn't have been allowed to put any of the decorations on it because the Lord knows if her decorations are not perfect, fire will rain down from the sky and the world will end. Last year she made me re-wrap all my presents for people because they weren't perfect enough, or didn't fit in with her chic purple and silver theme. Plus, every year she doesn't buy me what I want, but things she thinks I should have. Last year I got a water filter jug and DVDs she likes. She keeps trying to turn me into a miniture version of her but it isn't going to happen. I'm not going to be some alky bitch.

I have lots of presents from Chubbs, yeay!

Gimme a hand, pleeeaaase?

2006-12-09T16:18:00.000Z

As you may know, le Chubbs is in the process of setting up his own business and part of this process is doing some market research, which involves questionnaires. These things are proving to be bitches as most people don't wanna know and are more than happy to piss around and send crappy replys. It would be a great help if some of you (or all of you if you love me) would fill out this questionnaire for us. Remember, the more of you who fill it out, the less time we have to stand on the street and hassle innocent bystanders!

Questionnaire

Do you shop Online?

Yes/No

Have you bought a Digital Camera online?

Yes/No

Who do you normally buy from?+ Why?

How much do you spend on camera's or recycled goods per year?

Would you be willing to pay slightly more for an ethically sourced or environmentally friendly product?

Yes/No

What ethically sourced/ environmentally friendly products would you like to buy?

Do you want us to email through myspace you when we start up?

Yes/No

M/F

16-18
18-25
25-35
35-45
45+

I Want A Cookie

2006-12-05T16:16:00.000Z

Well, I do. There's never any food in this place, as soon as my Dad gets paid, the first thing he does is go out and buy a bunch of junk food which gets eaten within 3 days and then for the other 4, nothing. Good thing I have an advent calender, mmm :) The contents of my fridge is a tub of pasta sauce, butter and a can of beer. Unless Nigella Lawson (who is one dirty little bitch by the way, you know behind the counter she's wearing thigh high PVC boots) turns up, I think I'm gonna wait until later to eat. Yeah, I have an eating disorder, it's called No Money.

Anyway, I went to the doctors on Friday and was prodded and poked until it hurt. I've been having stomach pains for a while and finally decided to get something done about it. I can't believe the silly woman did a pregnancy test (which was negative. Well duuuuuh), I could have done that at home (I always have a spare in my drawer. Don't ask) but it turned out I had a UTI. Go figure. The crappy antibiotics made me feel sick as a dog and I've spent a lot of time sleeping but I've finished the course now. Oh, and the shitty chemist down the road is taking fucking AGES getting my pill in so if they don't get in soon in about 9 months time they'll find a baby on their doorstep. Just kidding, Chubbs is far too para with me to let that happen.

I have another doctor's appointment this Friday to find out about my other test results so wish me luck, bitches!

LATER ON:

*looks at stomach*

*considers joining a gym, thinks about a diet*

*looks at family sized bag of Thai Sweet Chilli Sensations*

*looks back at stomach*

*loses all willpower*

*inhales family size bag*

*looks at calorie content, 800 in a bag*

Hey, it's days like this that keep the jogging bottom industry going.

Calling It Quits

2006-11-29T21:22:00.000Z

I had a horrible realisation today. I've given up. After two years of looking for work and six months of learning to drive, I'm still in the exact same position as I was when I was 16. Sure, a few things have changed, my boobs are bigger and I have the worlds most kick ass pets now, but I'm still poor and going nowhere. And the drive that was keeping me going has now curled up and died. I'm a little sad about it, but I just can't find anyway to get it back.

Maybe that's why I didn't get the job I went for on Friday. They could see the stagnation that seems to have overtaken my mind. I can feel myself getting dumber and dumber by the minute. Maybe I'll get over it. May be I won't. We'll have to wait and see, won't we?

After writing my last post, I ended up getting myself so geared up I went and screamed at my brother for about half an hour. He got the biggest bollacking of his life which he deserved. When my father got home, he gave Little Brother a slight talking to and then banned him from the internet for the rest of the week. I wasn't having that, not at all. I told my father exactly how to punish him and he agreed but the moment I left, it all changed back. I don't know why I bother

BUT

I have a new power. I can now search anybody who comes into my home if I think they have drugs on them and I enforce the bans on who enters my home. Oh yeah baby, I think Miss Carberry is gonna go a little powermad. Now fetch my surgical gloves!

I would have posted this sooner but due a sexytime accident on Friday, I wasn't in the best of moods. If you're not interested then look away . . . NOW!

Anyway, Chubbs and I were in bed Friday night getting a little frisky. I'm lying on my front, getting quite into it and we're getting a little *ahem* fast and furious when Chubbs slips out. Grabbing my shoulders, he rams it right in . . . right in the wrong hole. The virginal, always an exit, never an entrance hole. I have never been in so much pain in my life. I admit, I screamed and began to cry from the shock and pain. He didn't even realise what he'd done! I think it's hilarious now, but my God, never ever again! I'm sticking to missionary now ;)

Declaration Of War

2006-11-21T15:04:00.000Z

Dear Family,

Today your time has come. I am offically declaring war on you. No more bullshit parenting techniques, no more ignorance, you are going to sit up and pay attention because I have had enough.

Little Brother: Last night I found your blog and found out you have been taking pills. Hope you enjoyed those few hours of being out of it because now you are going to suffer for it. I don't see a Little Brother anymore, I see a prisoner who is going to be locked in his cell for a very long time. I can't wait to see the look on your face when I'm carrying your X-Box, mobile phone and Sky out of your room. I've been raising you for as long as I remember. I was the one who protected you from druken beatings, school bullies and even Dad's occasional bouts of rage. I was the one who kept you fed and dressed and I even did that piece of coursework for you. This is not how you repay me. No fucking way. Your ass is mine now you little bastard and I'm going to make you pay. And when I say this is going to hurt me more than you, you better believe it. You think I want to be a bitch to you? Fuck no. I love you but I'm not being like those cunts of parents and I'm sorting this out. If you even think for a minute I'm letting you grow up to be a failure/drug addict/jakey you better take off those rose tinted glasses before I slap them off your face. Our Dad has been letting you get away with murder, never punishing you even when he found out you were smoking pot and accusing ME of being a drug addict. Twat.

Mother: Where do I even start with you, you twisted bitch. You were the first person I told about LB's pill taking and what do you say? That you're going to have nothing more to do with him. Great job Mum, your parenting skills are really shining now. All these years I stuck by you, when you were drinking and you've never apologised for anything, NOT EVEN THOSE TIMES YOU TRIED TO KILL ME. And now you're going to bury your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. Hope it works well for you because I'm having nothing more to do with you. Thanks for the help, alky bitch.

Father: I think you'll be getting a lot of shit this evening. You'll ask LB a few questions, make him promise never to do it again and that'll be it. But this time? Oh HELL NO! I'm stepping in, seems these parenting shoes fit me better than you. I'm cutting him off, and you're going to help me. I am going to make you take care of your child even if it kills me. You fucked it up with me but there is a small amount of time left with him. Do something with it. In fact, I think YOU should be the one to administer the punishment. Ground him. Take his shit. Stop the person giving him drugs and the people allowing him to take them by making sure LB has no further contact with them. Don't make me have to do it. I shouldn't have to. But if all else fails, I will. Because I care about him and want the best for him, something you should feel too but so obviously don't. You jackass.

From your daughter in name only and from the sister who promised to take care of you, no matter how much it hurts

Sam

2006-11-18T14:17:00.000Z

I had my informal interview this Tuesday and I'm still happy!! Although Chubbs had to almost push me through the door as I was having a slight freak out ("I can't do this, they'll think I'm a spastic and rubbish") but once I got in there I was fine. The woman was very very nice (she said I was mature and responsible, hehehe) and now I'm awaiting a phone call to see if I can get the vacancy which is only once a fortnight as I have my RSPCC interview coming up next Friday which I'm even more excited about! If all goes well I will be a Young Witness supporter, whoop whoop! I know I could excel at this because I know in-depth what it's like to have to give evidence against your own parent, and how truly awful it is. Luckily my own evidence was video so I didn't have to go to court.

After leaving the interview I walked straight into my past. I ended up speaking to Crystal and Doris, and seeing C's baby for the very first time. She's beautiful, almost five and half months old now. D's baby is due at the end of the month, she's expecting a boy. These girls were my best friends and I don't even recognise them now. I wanted to cry when I went home, cry for their babies who will grow up into schemies just like their mothers, cry for the way they will be treated, are being treated. C even called her baby a BITCH. It hurt my heart to hear. D was SMOKING. I can't believe it.

Oh, and I visited my grandparents. They ignored me and made snide comments. It was sooooo worth it. I don't know why I bother, I'm not even related
to them.

And yes, Chubbs is real!! This is him baking Tweenie cakes in my kitchen with me :) SOMEONE managed to turn the icing into treacle LOL